The Lonergan Ledger

The Thankfulness in Suffering

2011-01-06T06:00:00.000-08:00

I started my New Year's resolution of reading through my Bible early thinking it was the only chance I had of actually accomplishing it...this time! I have a wonderful One Year Chronological Bible that places everything, well chronologically! I got to Job than I got stuck! I just didn't understand everything I thought I knew about the Book of Job. I thought Job was considered righteous but I was pretty sure there was some complaining in there. I was confused about what was wrong with what Job's friends said to him and why God rebuked them. I could tell that they weren't gentle in their approach but come on they sat with the guy for seven days and seven night before they said a word. That was more than Job's wife had given him! Anyway, I was stuck and determined to understand it better. Pastor Ritch directed me to Pastor John Piper's Desiring God website. Aaahhh, there I found a 5 sermon series on Job. I'm so grateful for Bible teachers! Anyway, the point of all this info is to share something that I think I knew but finally accepted today.

One of the advantages of excellent Bible teaching is that we have a wealth of Bible knowledge in our heads. However, I think sometimes we confuse the knowledge with acceptance. For instance, I know that God is sovereign. I know that He loves me. I know that all He does is good for me and His glory. But do I really accept it? And even more importantly am I grateful for it? Today, God's word snuck past my brain and crept into my heart . Today, I realized that my response to God through our year of struggling has been much like Job. I accept that God is who He is. I'm grateful that He is who He is actually. But I have resolved to get though because He is God and I resolve to trust Him. I don't think that is a necessarily bad approach. It seems much better than shaking my fist at Him. The problem is it only begins to scratch the surface of what God desires from me. Resolve is not the same as gratitude.

John Piper wrote about the type of sanctification that can only come through suffering. The walls of pride and self righteousness that can only be broken when we are humble and completely dependent on God. I started to reflect on the spiritual growth I have seen in my home this year. The stirrings of spiritual understanding my older children are expressing. The continued child like trust my younger children have despite the worldly stress that knocks on our door. I have seen my husband grow in ways I never imagined. I have seen him broken and yet striving for God. I have seen a dependence on our friends, family and church that has caused us to accept their love in a much deeper way. In myself, I have seen God develop a more consistent walk and hunger for Him. One that is not dependent on being stressed out and dependent but one that seeks because I actually desire Him. As I contemplated all this I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I mean overwhelmed! My heart started singing and I started thanking God for all of it! Thank You for the secretary that steals. Thank You for the lost business. Thank You for the opportunity to work outside of the home. Thank You for the crazy homeschooling schedule. Thank You for the brokenness. Thank you for the desperation. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

I'm so thankful to my Lord that not only loves me enough to allow me to suffer but continually reveals Himself to me. I will never understand the depth of His love but my prayer is that I will never take it for granted. All the times, I might perceive He is tearing down, He is actually building up. All the times, I might believe He is silent, He is actually speaking to me in a way that transforms. Today, I feel 50 pounds lighter because has brought me to a place of not only being willing to carry a burden but to be grateful for it!

The Crescendo of God

2010-04-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

In the Old Testament they have a tradition of leaving a pile of rocks as a monument in a place where God has done something amazing. Something were He displayed His power, mercy, strength, justice or love to His people. I may have to leave a pile of rocks next to my bed.

We have had a tough year. This fall, we learned that John's secretary of 10 years was stealing from him as well as from a client's account. As a result, we lost a substantial amount of fixed income. More importantly, it has shaken my husband to the core of who he is. His confidence in himself and those around him has been damaged. We have had to humble ourselves in ways that have been challenging.

Through the majority of it all I have felt that my years of Bible study had been paying off. I was focused on what God might be teaching us and attempting to encourage John however I could. However, last week I reached a breaking point. I can't even remember what set me off but I finally reached the end of myself. I went to my bedroom, got down on my knees and wept in a way I haven't done in a long time. Earlier in the week we had gone to Good News Club where we showed the kids a video about Jesus' life. The scene where the blind man desperately wanted to see made such an impression on me. All he did was touch the cloak of Christ and it was enough. While I was weeping, I begged for "just a touch". I desperately wanted to be in the same place, the same time as my Savior. I wanted the comfort of knowing that His power surrounded me and I begged forgiveness for being so limited in my faith that I needed to physically have Him "walk by" for me to be able to persevere. I yearned to be in the crowd and just reach out and touch Him. I don't know if any of this makes sense but this is where I found myself. After my melt down, I felt better. I had told God exactly where I was and we both survived. I thanked Him for loving me even when I'm a mess and went back to my life. The release felt good and I believed my prayers had been answered. God still was who He said He was and I still trusted Him. Venting just helped me refocus on Him instead of on our circumstances. It was sufficient. But God had more in store for me.

It wasn't enough for Him that I had come to the end of myself. It wasn't enough that I felt clarity and focus after our heart to heart. It wasn't enough that I recognized that He is God and His sovereignty was sufficient. He also wanted me to know so much more. He wanted me to experience His provision. He wanted me to be certain of His fatherly love. He wanted me to claim "what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge..."(Eph. 3:19) He wanted me certain that He doesn't mess around. I thought my "knee time" was the crescendo of a difficult year. It was actually just the interlude.

This is how God responded. In the matter of less than 10 days God has showered me with blessings. It started when we met with Bethany's orphan ministry as part of a process to receive financial assistance to complete Austin's adoption. It was something I had been dreading and avoiding. It seems silly now because it was a time of encouragement, honesty and acceptance. Then I opened the mail to discover a financial gift from John's sister and husband. I was speechless and overcome with gratitude. Those two events combined would have been enough to encourage me but God had more. We then had the privilege of meeting with the leaders of our new Sunday school class. It was an answer to prayer for me to see men come along side John and encourage him in a significant way. Then for whatever reason, I forgot to get the mail on Sat. I remembered it tonight after a great day of worshiping, learning and bonding with a sister in Christ. In my mail I found a letter of encouragement from our Sunday school teacher and another envelope with an anonymous note saying "We love you guys" with money enclosed. I wept again! Just being able to fall on my knees and talk to God was sufficient. I was fine when I was done. But God chose to shower us with His love. I don't know how He prompted the chain of events and the timing but I'm completely overwhelmed. He is just NEVER, NEVER, NEVER done with us! At the moments when we feel like we can't take another step He carries us. I don't have words to explain what God has taught me this week. For many of my years knowing Him, I have struggled with the reality that although I'm confident in my faith of what He has done for me on the cross, I still have a fear of trusting Him completely because of what might be required to refine me. I have recognized Him as a Sovereign Creator, Savior and Lord but now I feel like I also understand a bit of the Abba Father. Some might say it is just coincidence. They might say that people who cared saw us struggling and reached out to help. But I know better. I know that the God who knows the number of hairs on my head walked by and I didn't even need to touch His cloak. Thank you, Father.

No one said it would be easy!

2010-03-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany this week! Now that I have analyzed it a bit I've discover how slow I am. It was a "duhhhhh" moment! Any mom you talk to no matter what stage they are at will tell you that it is so frustrating to have to repeat yourself over and over again. How many times is it necessary to tell your child, "Chew with your mouth closed", "Look before you run out in the street", "Don't hit your brother"...? It could go on and on. And yet, ever time I have to repeat myself, I'm frustrated, exacerbated and put out! Last week, God revealed to me that "This is it"! This IS what we call parenting! Yes we have to do it over and over again. Day in and Day out. Repeatedly, consistently and on and on! We are not alone. All the parents around us are doing the same thing. I was thinking about when I'm worried about a child's illness. I go to the Dr. They explain it to me and I feel calm. I know how to go forth and handle the situation. Somehow it makes me feel better to know that everything is normal and will pass. I realize now that I need to take the little daily frustrations and put them in perspective. THIS IS IT! THIS IS PARENTING! THIS IS NORMAL! My kids aren't rotten. My parenting is completely flawed. It just is what it is. Then the humbling moment came. God asked me, "Why do you make me repeat Myself?". Ouch! Is there anything that will help us be compassionate parents more than realizing God's love and patience towards us? Sometimes I wonder if the reason we get so frustrated when our kids expose their sin nature is because it exposes a bit of ours as well. Maybe the reason we can recognize theirs is because it is VERY familiar to us! Anyway, I feel better knowing that constant repetition is normal. Kids forget. We remind them. I'm making a choice to just write it down as part of my job description and plow on. I'm praying that God will show me how to extend the grace to my kids that He has so lavishly supplied to me. Can you hear Him repeating Himself...."I love you. I love you. I love you."?

Monday update from Hams

2010-02-22T21:19:00.001-08:00

Hello!
Sorry it has been so long since we've had time to update. Our days here have been very full!

We are very emotionally spent. What we have seen and heard has definitely changed us..........it's hard to explain the heartache we have felt for so many of the people here. I can't help but cry now as I even think of it. Last night Sammy, a wonderful young Christian man that drives/translates here for our guest house took us over by Kora, the leper colony. Sammy (and also his friend that accompanied us) grew up there and mostly lived at the nearby city garbage dump because they were so poor that was where they got their food. We went to the dump...........Sammy knows all the people who live there now because he tries to minister to all of them. Just these huge massive mountains of filth and garbage............... some piles are burned as they are dumped and the stench was more than I could bear! There were mothers living there with babies strapped on their backs.........there are pigs and dogs that live there, too. All the children there had on two different shoes on.......whatever they find in the piles of garbage. It's just hard to process it all........so hard to believe people really live like this and children grow up digging for scraps of food in a garbage dump.

Over the weekend, it was arranged for us to go and visit Leku, 5 hours south of the city where Hana's birth family lives. Hana's birth mom had been brought into the city to meet us, and so we were given the option of going with them to take her back home. She is just the most beautiful Christian woman who is very, very destitute. Actually, the entire community she lives in is very poor. She attends a protestant church in her community and her faith is very strong. She told us she had been praying for a long time that a wonderful Christian family would adopt Hana. She was so happy to be able to meet us. It was such a huge blessing to all of us to be able to meet together! I really feel like the details of our meeting were ordained by God. But also, it was one of the most difficult things emotionally. Eric and I just wept and so did all of her family as we said goodbye. Meseret, Hana's mom, and her older brother and sister all live in a very small little dirt floor room ( maybe 6 x 8 ft?) with a small grass filled mattress on the floor where they all sleep. Everything they own is in a little corner of that room. The walls and ceiling have large holes everywhere so there is no shelter from the rain. This is where Hana lived before her mother brought her to the orphanage. It was so much to take in emotionally.........I felt like I was going to break in two from the pain of seeing it. We also met Hana's aunt, Meseret's sister, and her children and husband. Please pray for them. They hugged us and didn't want to let go as we wept. We were able to take Meseret to the local store to get some groceries for her family............mostly dried beans, rice, and corn and some spices. As diffiult as all of this was, we feel SO very blessed to have had this time. It was priceless!

Today we have our Embassy appointment and we'll be bringing the kids back to stay with us for good tonight. We've really enjoyed getting to vist them twice and spend time with them. Edilu, I think will be a fairly easy transition.......he is such a sweetie. Hana has done pretty well. She's taken to Eric and I pretty well, but for SOME reason she is not so sure about Caleb. Poor Caleb keeps trying........but she doesn't really want anything to do with him. Hopefully it's short lived! They told us she gets homesick sometimes and can be a little bit sensitive. I think with time she'll be just fine, but she has so much to process. She is old enough to remember her mother and brother and sister. She's been moved to different orphanges 3 times........ I think I would be feeling much the same as she is . Confused, sad and wondering if THESE people (us) are going to go away after a while, too, just like all the others do. Please pray for her little heart. I can see sadness in her eyes and I can tell she is thinking/remembering.

That's all for now. Love to you all! Nancie

Friday update from the Hams! (Read Thursday's first!)

2010-02-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

Today was quite a day! We were SOOOO happy to be able to spend a few hours next to Hana's birth mom at Tikuret orphanage (where Hana spent about 8 months before she was moved in January to the care center). Definitely an emotional time, but SO SO wonderful to have the chance to meet and speak with her. She was so happy to learn we were Christians and said she has been praying for a good Christian family for Hana and was thrilled to meet us. We learned so much more about the family situation and see clearly that she loves Hana with all her heart, but only wanted a much better life for her. We of course will share many more details when we see you all. It was just a precious time, even for Caleb who spoke up all on his own to tell her we will always be praying for her and that we will love and take such good care of Hana. She loved hearing those words from the boy who is to be Hana's older brother......it seemed to mean a lot to her. Tikuret also planned a special coffee ceremony and lunch ( I'm trying to like ET food.....it's interesting). Unfortunately we weren't able to get hardly any video of Hana's mom b/c the battery had gone dead. But we did get several pictures, and those will be priceless.

Tomorrow morning we are going to go meet Hana and Edilu at the care center and spend a little bit of time with them. In the afternoon, Tikuret has arranged for us to go South to the area Hana is from, and it sounds like we may have the opportunity to go with them as they take Meseret (her mother) home and to see where they live. From what she told us, she and her other two children are renting out a corner of a kitchen. Hopefully we will get the chance to meet the older siblings and see where Hana lived before being brought to the orphanage. We'll be spending the night about 5 hours from the city for tomorrow night if everything goes as planned, and then we'll drive back home Sunday morning I think.

Please continue to pray that our health will hold out for the remainder of the trip. We both had bad headaches when we woke up this morning and just felt a little icky. Maybe some of it is just from the huge time change on our bodies.

Won't be here tomorrow night to update, but will be back and can hopefully update you Sunday eve.

Love,
Nancie

First Ham Update!

2010-02-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

Date: Thursday, February 18, 2010, 3:32 PM

Wow! After 30+ hours of travel we are finally here and are at our guest house!!! I've actually spent 30 minutes just trying to access our blog to post an update. I will never ever complain about our internet connections being slow at home again! I gave up on the blog, but for now wanted to email you guys and let you know we arrived safe and sound. We appreciate EVERY prayer lifted up on our behalf! Everything with our flights really went well, but it truly was an exhausting trip. Caleb was especially looking VERY weary tonight, and I thought at first he had a fever. I think though, really, it is just sheer exhaustion. He's been in a fog the last several hours and hasn't had much sleep at all and is SO tired. It's REALLY hard to sleep in those airplane chairs. We're praying we'll all wake up feeling rejuvenated tomorrow!

Thankfully I had gone to that prompt care to get that antibiotic for the sinus infection before we left, because as soon as we boarded the plane from Minneapolis to head to Amsterdam yesterday, I knew I had a fever. I had had the chills all morning and just couldn't get warm, then I'd feel like I was burning up and would take all my layers off. I was really glad I had also packed a thermometer and all sorts of meds in our carry on. Today has been better, so hopefully that antibiotic is working!

It was SOOOO neat seeing the Sahara Desert and the Nile River today from our airplane window!

I know there are many more details to tell, but for tonight just wanted to let you guys know we arrived safe and sound and that all is well. Please keep praying that we will all stay fairly healthy. It seems impossible between lack of sleep, stagnant airplane air for hours on end, airplane food, etc... We are SOOO thankful that ALL of our luggage arrived with us.......hopefully we didn't forget anything major!

Tomorrow, we are HOPING to meet Hana's birth mom at the Tikuret orphanage where Hana was for 6 months. We are hopeful it will happen, and yet we know there's the possibility that she won't/can't make it into the city. Pray for wisdom for us either way. We still haven't decided for sure if we are going to try to visit the area the kids were born in. We'll keep you posted. It's looking like we'll get to meet the kids on Saturday am for the first time. Then Monday, Hana will come back to the Guest Home with us, and Tuesday Edilu will be handed over to us.

We'll keep you posted and will try again another time to post on the blog. In the meantime, Becky, can you let my parents know about this message? I'm hoping they'll get it in our inbox at home, but often times messages end up in Spam.

Love you all,
Nancie

Adoption and The Scouting Party

2010-02-18T07:22:00.000-08:00

I love the way you can read the Bible and apply it to every situation in your life. Recently, I rediscovered the story of Caleb and Joshua. I can't help but compare the faith that they demonstrated to the faith that is required to pursue adoption and fostering.
Moses entrusted 12 men to go out and gather information. They were to assess the situation and report back to the tribes of Israel. Only two came back with their eyes fixed on God. How can that be after all that they had seen? Then the negative reports spread like wildfire in the camp. By the time it was done, the Israelites claimed to prefer slavery and desired to stone Caleb and Joshua. Caleb and Joshua must have been stunned. They were so fixated on God they didn't even see the enemy. They cried, "Do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid."
In the midst of longing for, providing for and caring for an orphaned child how many enemies (circumstances) do we encounter? Where do we fix our eyes? Do we see the circumstances or the God of Heaven and Earth? Sometimes the circumstances are our own hearts longing to be safe. Sometimes it is a system. Sometimes it is family that hasn't yet appreciated where God might be calling you. Sometimes it is the very child that you longed for fighting against your love or worse yet, The Father's love. Sometimes we don't even see the milk and honey, only the giants that inhabit the land. How much does God have to do for us before we trust Him with all abandon? Trust despite sense, reason and facts. We spend so much time trying to protect ourselves from physical and emotional pain that we forget that is those very emotions that will drive us into Our Father's protection. I'm praying for faith like Caleb and Joshua. I'm grateful that when I don't have it, I'm surrounded by people who don't throw stones but point me back to the source of my strength and protection.

A recent Broadcaster Article for Open Hearts Open Home Orphan Ministry

2010-02-18T06:10:00.000-08:00

What do Jonah and adoption/fostering have in common? Has God ever asked you to do something that you were certain did not make sense? Was your first reaction to run from it? Did you wrestle with God until your faith in Him took over? Did you step out in obedience, if not complete willingness, because you recognized His voice in the calling? For many, the first fleeting thoughts towards the orphan are not often met with an overwhelming desire to respond immediately. We push the thoughts away and attempt to continue with life as we know it. But as we see in the story of Jonah, God is a pursuing God. Not just for the benefit of the Ninevites but to teach Jonah something about the condition of his heart. God uses the orphan to reveal layers of our hearts that we might wish were not there. How do we respond when our “ideal” situation is not the one that God presents to us? How do we interact with birth parents that might challenge us in ways we were not anticipating? Do we reflect God’s love when dealing with children that were not born to us? We might like to believe that pursuing adoption and fostering is all about the need of a child. In reality, it might just as importantly be about our need to be “revealed”. The story of Jonah is a bit of a cliff hanger. We don’t know if Jonah sought forgiveness for his attitude towards the Ninevites. What we do know is that God is the Ultimate Multi-Tasker. He is more than capable of using the need of some to reveal the heart of one. He pursued and provided for both. And in the end, they both were better for it!

A pile of rocks

2009-05-04T05:31:00.001-07:00

There are many examples of in the Old Testament of piles of rocks placed on a spot where God had revealed Himself in a mighty way. Noah, Abram, Isaac, Jacob, Joshua, and Samuel were all alter builders. Joshua tells his people, "..that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the the ark of the covenant of the Lord." Joshua 4:6-7. Maybe for me, some of my blog entries are my "pile of rocks". Interesting that a simple pile of rocks could be a tribute to an awe inspiring living God. Certainly, the pile itself does nothing to impress Him. I'm betting it is the heart of the people who place the rocks one by one that brings God glory.

I was reading some of my previous posts. I wanted to see were my "heart" was 1 month ago, 3 weeks ago and so on. You see, my circumstances have changed. The thing that I was praising God for only a week ago has been temporarily or permanently placed on hold. I have been unusually calm but slightly melancholy. I'm just taking some time to process the change and adjust. I had gotten used to the idea of having five children. I was enjoying the added personality and I was even feeling some warm and fuzzy "mommy feelings" towards the new little person in our home. Several times during last week, I caught myself watching all five of "my" kids and just welling up. I felt so blessed! Now that the situation has changed, am I less blessed? By no means. Right now, I'm praising Him for giving me a sense of perspective and focus. I'm an emotionally driven person so whenever I respond to a situation calmly, I know it's from God! Also, I'm more determined then ever to stay planted on my "Thy will be done" mantra. I do now know the ways of God. I do not know what is best for me. I've started to mature at the age of 42 to realize that not everything I "want" is what I "need".

I have a confession to make. Sometimes, when I hear the phrase "God is so good!", it makes me cringe. Not because it is not true but because the context in which it is most often used. I usually hear it after some situation involving much prayer on the part of a believer. God has responded in the way that the believer was "hoping" he would. Then those around him rejoice. Sometimes I wonder why we don't hear it more during times when God closes doors or answers in ways we were "hoping He wouldn't". I think most of us recognize that God is good all the time. His goodness is not dependent on our perceptions of our situation. I'm so grateful for that.

So today, I looked back on some of my piles of rocks. I believe that God prompted our Old Testament heroes to build the alters, not because He needed it but because we did. We forget so much of what God has done after He has done it. The ways He has given, the ways He had protected and the ways He has stretched us to new growth. So today, things are different then they were last week. My house is completely quiet. There is no little guy to interact with or work my schedule around. I miss him. In many ways it is different, but in many ways everything is exactly the same. God is still good!

Kids just want to have fun!

2009-05-02T10:01:00.001-07:00

One of the great things about having kids is that you have an excuse to do things you might not normally do. Last night, we went to a barn dance! I have not do-see-doed since Jr high gym class. It really was so much fun. One the best parts was just looking around at some of our friends. Realizing that we really have grown some tight bonds. We look out for each others kids, we help each other out but we also just laugh a lot! At several points during the evening, I was watching the kids interact. They are growing up together and it is exciting to watch them develop. As the parents deepen their friendships the kids are doing the same. I hope we dance at all of their weddings! Maybe a do-see-doe!

The Things kids say!

2009-04-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

One of the interesting things about adding a child to your family that is not an infant is the dialogue that takes between them. Today as we were preparing for dinner, Austin said, "I want water". Having been here for several visits he quickly corrected himself and said, "May I have water?" Caleb was standing near by during this interaction. He added, "Actually, it is may I PLEASE have water? That's O.K. you're new at this!" This caught me as very funny! Caleb the guy that I have been working with for three years to chew with his mouth closed has now become the "Master of Manners"! The other funny aspect was Austin IS completely new at this! I think he actually enjoys the manners. He likes to look exasperated but I find it curious that he quickly corrects himself and seems quite pleased that he is becoming such a gentlemen! It must be overwhelming to be in a new environment. I remember when Liz and Caleb moved in. We were off kilter for awhile. There are so many nuisances to your home environment that we take for granted. What is considered humor? What is considered rude? What is appropriate sarcasm? What is disrespectful? The list goes on and on. All the little things that we take for granted that create the atmosphere in our home. I'm trying to balance my "rules" with humor and a big dose of grace. I know that I could use some. Chew with your mouths closed, people!

Just a family update!

2009-04-25T20:38:00.000-07:00

Alright, the other day I said that I would have blogs that were just family updates. Today is the day! We attended our church's Open Hearts, Open Home Orphan Ministry Welcome Home Party. It was short and sweet! Short...It couldn't last very long when the kids way out numbered the adults! Sweet...a ton of cake with a ton of frosting! I loved seeing all the kids that have already been adopted or fostered. Also, there were several families that have started the process that came to celebrate. Especially fun for me was to see Austin get to spend some time with his brothers. They have been adopted by friends of ours from church.

Because you said so!

2009-04-23T07:48:00.000-07:00

Luke 5:5. "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets." This verse is haunting me. We recently had a great sermon at church that focused on this passage. Then in my quiet time I came across it again. I have been thinking about how we think we know so much. How from our perspective we can figure out the best move or our next steps. Isn't God so funny? He allows us to feel comfortable in our "knowledge" and then demonstrates to us how we know nothing! Here is the expert fisherman, Simon, he has done everything in his power to get the job done. He caught nothing! Not only has he given up for the day but he has already cleaned his nets. Now, Jesus, the carpenter, tells him to cast out and do it all over again. I love Simon's response. Basically, he says, nothing you are telling me makes any sense but because the direction came from you, I will obey. I wish I had faith like that day in and day out. I know I have had little "Simon moments" along the way. Times where I finally opened my hand and let go of what I desired only to rejoice that God had so much more in store for me.
But today I rejoice that I am in the midst of the largest stretch of "Simon days" I have ever experienced. I don't know why God has given me such peace. There is no recipe that I can look at and say, "This is what I did differently". My quiet time is still sporadic, my prayer time is unorganized...I still yell at my kids and refuse to apologize. All I know is that I have been praying the Lord's prayer over a situation in my life and I have experienced the ability to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust Him.
Tomorrow, Austin is moving in! It is so convoluted. So crazy. So surreal. Some might look at me and say that I don't seem excited. They would misinterpret my outward behavior. The reality is that since about 4 days after the social worker called to say "It is never going to happen", I knew it WAS going to happen. God spoke to my heart in such a way as to say "Go ahead with your life. Don't get bogged down. I've got this. Trust me." Maybe I have had such peace because I'm already a busy mommy of 4. Maybe I could take or leave one more. Maybe I'm tired and realize that more is more work. Maybe. But I don't think I'm neutral or unconcerned about this little boy's life. I just think my Father spoke to me in such a way that closed the door on any anxiety or fear that I would normally experience. Most days, I feel like a wave tossed around. My experience of God is based on the circumstances in my life. I hate that about myself! But in the case of Austin and how God will provide for him and for us along the way, He has given me the power to keep my eyes solely on Him! I love the view!

Is blogging dangerous?

2009-04-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

My brain is once again spinning. Maybe it's the crazy week. Some exciting news on Monday (I'll share later), husband having surgery, laundry eerily completed. I had a conversation with someone today that was challenging. Now I know if I post about it, no one will have a conversation with me again because they will be concerned that nothing is private. Not the case, I will protect the innocent at all costs! The conversation was actually very interesting and I can not write my thoughts without referring to it as it is the whole reason I'm writing in the first place. It got me wondering, "Is the internet stage an unsafe platform to communicate?". Not from the unknown predator perspective, we all know about that risk. But from the perspective of communicating in a way that damages relationships and alienates us from others. That got me thinking "Why do we Facebook or blog at all?". I originally Facebooked because a friend told me it was a great way to get connected with people. She was right. Then I started blogging because I enjoyed reading other people's blogs. It was like meeting someone at Starbucks for coffee without actually spending five bucks for a coffee and conversation. Another friend pointed out that you can have your blog printed so that your kids can have a "scrapbook" with insight into your life. Kind of like a diary. Wouldn't any of us love to have something like that from our parents. That sold me on the idea of blogging. My poor children currently have no babybooks, scrapbooks or even consistent journal entries. Blogging is their only hope!

Today, my friend on the phone pointed out that the big downside of leaving your thoughts floating on the internet is that they can easily be misinterpreted and offend someone. In fact, they can be correctly interpreted and as equally offend! I guess the risk is that it is easy to take a stand on something when you are sitting in the privacy of your own home. I usually am not a "pot stirrer". I hate conflict. In the fight or flight aspect of life, my first choice is flight. I would rarely bring up a touchy topic unless someone else started the conversation. Now don't get me wrong. I love to talk and debate. It stimulates my otherwise understimulated brain. But I hate arguing. I believe that we can have equally opposing ideas and beliefs and still discuss them in a loving manner. I also recognize that sometimes when discussing very sensitive topics no matter how careful you try to be with your words, you might still offend someone. So then I got thinking, "If written words without discussion can easily be misinterpreted or offend, why take a chance?". Really, who is reading it anyway! Maybe I could just have a blog that gave updates on our family with pictures to prove we are as cute as I describe us to be! That would be safe and always nonconfrontational. I also considered turning on the "invite only" switch to my blog. But I realized that did not take care of the problem. How would I know who agrees with me and who doesn't. What if you agree one time but not another? Maybe, I should just stop all together? What about my kids' scrapbook? And around and around I go!

Ultimately, I decided that I would compromise with myself. Keep the blog open but add a disclaimer. That way, if someone reads something they are offended by they can say, "At least she warned me"! It is the reality of who I am. Some times it is a strength, sometimes a weakness, but I strive for transparency. I hate superficial and hate when I feel like I have to operate at that level to keep the peace. I just want one "safe base" where I can express myself. I figure my kids will find it interesting when they get older. They might get a sense of why we make the decisions we do. They might understand some life change from a different perspective then their own. They might even disagree with my opinions but at least they will know where I stood.

I'm going to keep the blog open, for the time being, because I know how I have been challenged by reading others thoughts and words. Even when I don't agree, it makes me think and that is always a good thing. The reality is that reading anything printed or on the net is an option. I have been interested in something before, checked it out and then determined that I disagreed on every aspect of what someone was saying. It no longer became interesting or challenging so I quit reading it. The blog is simply what is on my mind. I'm not starting a campaign or debate. I realize that sometimes my thoughts are impulsive and not well thought out. My loving husband reads it but doesn't "get" it. I think he chalks it up to silly girl stuff. I think he is right. It is what it is. Right now, it is simply a way for me to be real, be transparent and be bold. That's it.
P.S. Because I am a people pleaser. I have added tags to my posts. For those who would simple like to check in and get the family updates, you can check out "family updates". For my husband who might be the only one interested in my inner thoughts, I have added a "deep thoughts" tag.!

Oh No!

2009-04-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

The problem with opening your heart is that your heart is open! We have had a week of extreme highs and lows. The lows I have covered in previous blogs. We lost our dog Harley in the most traumatic of circumstances. The highs....let me count them. Austin has been here for 9 days! It has gone so well. The beauty of having 4 children already is that when you add one more you hardly notice the downside. What's a couple more piles of dirty clothes or glasses of water that were discarded? What we do get is one more personality into the crazy routine of our life! I will admit...but only here...that I'm feeling attached. I know we are in the "honeymoon" phase. He may still be on his best behavior. I'm not a spring chicken. But despite the fact that eventually we will have to discipline and train I think he is worth it. More importantly, I believe God brought him here exactly for that purpose. I'm certain that when I drop him off tomorrow into somebody else's care I'll shed a few tears. I'll keep them to myself. I'll look forward to our next visit and I will trust God in the details. I'll leave my "I want to be the Mom" t-shirt at home! I'm so grateful that this week of high highs and low lows coincided with the celebration of my Savior's death and resurrection. How can I lose perspective during a week like this? God is sovereign over all the details of life. He was then and He continues to be. I trust Him with the events that occur in my home. I trust Him as I return Austin to his home.

I'm not one of "those" people...

2009-04-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm not one of those crazy "my dog is my baby" people. I don't have outfits for the dogs. I don't have little doggy statues around the house..not even a magnet on the fridge. However, I hate the nighttime. I hate closing my eyes and relieving my day on Tuesday. I hate how I had to manage it on my own (in the beginning, anyway) so I feel like I'm the only one who experienced the "entire" event. So since I'm sad anyway, I decided to make a list of the things I'll miss about Harley. I know she is a dog not a human. I have it in perspective but I hate the loss. These are the "Top Ten Things I'll Miss about Life without Harley".
10: Knowing that skinny Sammy was kept warm while their shared a crate each night
9: Having her jump on my lap, uninvited, causing me to spill coffee all over myself
8: Knowing that no matter how many times she saw us, she was always as excited as the first time
7: Hearing her cry when the kids failed to take her outside with them
6: How she hated her ear medicine, baths, and nails clipped but always trusted me to do it
5: How she was never satisfied snuggling unless she was on top of you
4: How Gracie was "her girl"
3: How she would sassy bark at me every time I called her to her crate. "I'll go in b/c I want to but not b/c you told me to!"
2: How she and Bella would play "Call of the wild". Better than any episode of Animal Planet
1: Never looking at Bella the same way again....
0: Sorry but forgot one of the most important things..Harley had an amazing way of laying very still when she was tired and totally relaxed. But as soon as someone she loved would walk into the room, the end of her tail would start wagging. It reminded us of a rattle snake. She loved her people.
I listened to Pastor Joel's sermon on How Hard is Not bad it's just hard. I heard what he said about not racing through a difficult situation but taking the time to learn what God is teaching us. However, I can't wait for the night that I can close my eyes and not be "there" again.

Grief is prove that evolution is bogus

2009-04-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am grieving. We lost a beloved pet. I don't know if it would feel differently if it was less traumatic but it wasn't. It was horrific. It started like any other day. The dogs played. The kids played. At one point one of the kids called me into the room to see the dogs all piled on the rug each chewing a bone. Happy as could be. The next thing I knew, my kids were frantic and two of the dogs were literally at each others throats. I don't know how it started. I don't know if I could have done something differently. All I know is there was nothing I could do to stop it. The kids were crying. Trying to help. I sent them outside. I was helpless. Finally when it was over, one dog was in a daze the other was lying lifeless on the floor. I knew she was still alive. I could feel her heart beat but she was in such shock. I gathered her into my arms and headed to the vet. I would have paid a million dollars just to have my husband here to deal with it but it was me. In the end, the shock was too much and it was more humane to let her go without anymore struggle. The girls and I were at Sam's when we got the final news. Have you ever been somewhere you can't figure a way to get out of and you don't even care if people see you cry? One poor man even asked us if we needed some water. All night the images are playing through my head. My kids screaming, my dogs fighting, carrying her to the car and praying. But even more important was last night as Harley laid curled into a ball snuggling with Jack. I had a moment when I just loved on her because they were so sweet and tired. I always said she was the best dog when she was tired because all the spaz was gone! I know that God knows my heart. I know that He knew what the day had in store for me. I'm pleased that the first thing I wanted to do after transferring my Harley to the vet's hands was read my Bible on my Iphone! I know that God knows our tears. I know that there are people all around me grieving the loss of human loved ones. I know that I have a friend tending to her dying son. I know that this is the week that my Saviour cried in the garden, carried the cross and died for my sins. Isn't the fact that we love so deeply and grieve so profoundly proof that evolution is not possible. How could love, joy, peace and grief be a result of some cosmic pool of nothing. I'm grateful for grieve. It demonstrates that God made us capable of great love. Most of all I'm grateful for a God that doesn't take my grieve lightly and He doesn't leave me alone during it. I'm so very sad.

Why?

2009-03-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

The beauty of FaceBook is that you have an opportunity to get connected with people you haven't seen or talked to in years. It has expanded my view of the world. I realize that at times, my "bubble" is very small. Not by choice but circumstance. I'm a stay-at-home mom. My kids go to a small Christian school and my friends from church have become my family. O.K. I guess that is by choice! Today, I received a FB message asking me why we are considering adoption again. I guess it should be a simple answer but it has had me pondering all day. The simple answer is we have a solid marriage, we are unified in our willingness to adopt again and believe that God is calling us to be available for this purpose. The pondering part came from reflecting back on the majority of my life where I did not seek God's purpose. I had some religion. I knew I wasn't Jewish, Muslim or Hindi so I must be a Christian. I was fairly moral so that's a good thing, right? Interestingly enough, I had no peace, no real hope and no confidence in the world around me. O.K. that is the only thing that hasn't changed. I still don't have any confidence in the world around me. What I do have is an intimate relationship with a Creator. He has revealed Himself in so many ways that I can not waver in my confidence in Him.
Maybe it is because I just celebrated a birthday. I'm getting older and more reflective! I'm also celebrating my 10 years of knowing Christ. I can't remember how I made decisions prior to having genuine faith. I also have difficulty explaining how I can now make decisions based solely on my faith. I know that the core of who I am has changed. God has taken me down roads that have been challenging, sorrowful and life changing. Even with loss, I have no regrets. I can see His hand in every detail and I'm certain of the unseen as well. I told a friend recently that so much of my spiritual growth seems like child birth. (I can speak from experience here having delivered a 8 pd 12 oz baby with no drugs!) In the midst of it I cry out for mercy and beg for it to stop. There are moments when I lose perspective and don't even care about the outcome anymore. I just want it over! But God always knows what is on the other side. He can calmly walk along side me during it because He knows where He is taking me. The struggle is so fleeting compared to the end result. I wish I was more theological at times. I wish I could pull from memory, verses that would convince others of God's sovereign will. Unfortunately, I have a memory like a sieve! Then I remember that my words alone will not help another trust in God. I can say this, the only regrets I have in my life our decisions I have made outside of God's will. I can approach the issue of adoption with an open hand. Willing and waiting for His call. I'm confident that I will hear His voice. That is the biggest miracle of all in my life. Not a happy marriage, not the miracle of childbirth, not the blessings of adoption...but that I know my Savior's voice.
P.S. As I write this, I have 5 little monkeys sleeping in their beds!

On The Receiving End

2009-03-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

My mood is strange. I'm either totally disconnected or experiencing the peace that surpasses all understanding! We had a monumental afternoon. We have been aware of a boy that may be in need of a home. We have prayed about the situation but it seemed to fall apart in January. I shed a few tears and then the God that I attempt to serve calmed me in a way that I have never experienced before. I love being in a boat without a paddle. Just floating with the current and knowing that there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't believe how gracious our God is. At this moment, in this situation, He has revealed to me that I have grown to trust Him. Maybe, this is not such a big deal for you, but I know myself and I know that although I have faith in Him and I desire for Him to be Lord of my life, I still struggle with trust. How is that possible? How can you have saving faith but still doubt? My problem is that I recognize that God is sovereign. He is Creator, Father and Master. He placed the stars in the skies and He knows the number of hairs on my head. I know all this and yet I catch my self wondering how He can be concerned with me. I question not "if" He is capable but "why" He would bother orchestrating the details of my life. However, I have come to discover that how I "feel" is irrelevant. He is the I Am and He has enabled me to trust Him beyond what I thought I was capable.
Our meeting with Austin's guardian went so well. They arrived about 12:30 and didn't leave until almost 9:00! Prior to them coming, I was focused on praying the Lord's Prayer. I love the simplicity. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. That has become my heart's desire. His will in this situation. I'm so calm I had to evaluate myself to see if I was even emotionally connected! We went into this meeting just being ourselves. Again, no need to sell ourselves when you recognize that God is the only one who can determine the outcome! It was such an enjoyable afternoon. I was grateful to realize that Kitty is easy to be around. I could easily see maintaining a relationship for the benefit of Austin. She told us that she recognizes that she needs to move forward with pursuing adoption. Her health is fragile and she recognizes that she can not provide stability for him. She stated that from the moment she heard about us she knew it would be the right situation for him however she struggles with the reality of letting him go. We were really open and honest with each other. The mother in me aches for anyone having to make a decision like that. I also had an opportunity to share with her about our faith. I told her we were willing and able and trusting that God would orchestrate the details. It was surreal. Prior to them arriving, I wondered if the subject of adoption would even come up. Then all of the sudden, we were discussing details and plans. She was talking as if she has already decided it is just a matter of timing and transition. I have no way to describe the day other then to say, I totally felt God's hand on my heart and mind. He opened doors. He helped us see each other in a real way and empathize with each other. I recognize that matters of the heart are precarious and she can change her mind at any time, but as of now we are moving forward. I'm so grateful for the prayers and the calm that God has given us. Please pray for Kitty as she attempts to move forward and let go. We are planning that Austin will come spend next weekend with us. It will be the first night they have spent apart in a year and a half. We don't really know what to expect. I'm concerned because our parenting styles are very different. I'm praying that we will continue to communicate clearly and always put Austin's needs above our own. Right now, we feel like soldiers just waiting for our marching orders and trying not to get attached to our own plans. Thy will be done.

I Married One of the Good Guys!

2009-03-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first met my husband. I was relieved to find out that he was employed! Then I found out he was a lawyer. Of course, I had heard all the lawyer jokes and because I considered him extremely good looking, I figured he was a smarmy ambulance chaser! Boy was I relieved when he told me he was an assistant State Attorney. I perked up. He was one of the good guys. One of the knights in shining armor defending the victims from wrong doing. I could get my brain around that kind of work. When we were dating, I remember asking him how attorneys can defend people that they think are guilty of committing crimes. He explained to me that everyone is entitled to representation. That representation does not involve judgment. That is the judge and jury's job. He also reminded me of the terrible injustice that can occur when someone is not represented. Basically, an attorney's job is not to "get someone off" of a crime that they committed but to make sure they have been fairly and equally represented. After years of prosecuting, we made the decision that John should become self employed. Because his years of experience were in prosecuting criminal charges, it made sense that he would use those skills and become a self employed defense attorney.
Years later we both became Christians. I have had people ask me how a Christian could defend the guilty. I explain it to them the way John explained it to me. I also tell them that it would be very difficult for a lawyer to switch his specialty. Just like we would not expect a neurosurgeon to become a pediatrician. This seems to satisfy them but I sometimes wonder if they judge him based on his profession. I don't because I know his heart. I have always believed that he carries a heavy burden. He is daily confronted with the lost, desperate, and nonrepentent and in most situations he is not able to share his faith.
Today he came home with a story that confirmed what I already knew. John cares about people. He is the attorney for our local drug court. This is a system that attempts to avoid
just locking up offenders but provides them with the support to change their lives. It is a strict program and criteria must be met to participate. Today they celebrated "graduation". John told me that there was a women who almost gave up. She had to choose between an abusive boyfriend and drugs or the program. Sadly, she was drawn to the boyfriend and drugs. He had an opportunity to talk to her prior to her making her decision. She specifically said during her graduation speech that that conversation was a turning point for her. John had laid it out for her. He used logic and respect to communicate to her that she had a choice to make. He couldn't make it for her but he cared enough to take the time to speak to her like she was a human with potential and not a "user". His eyes misted up as he retold me the story. He cares. He is one of the good guys no matter what "side" he is on. It was a reminder to me that I am glad that God uses us were we are. I Peter 4:10 says "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. " I pray that God will continue to use John in his workplace. I also pray that he will have the opportunity and freedom to share his faith. If just a few moments of our time, can change a person's perspective on their life, can you imagine what the Gospel can do! I can.

Boy Trauma

2009-03-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

As I was washing dishes today, I was reliving our evening yesterday. We celebrated the beautiful weather with a good old fashioned cook-out. We had yummy burgers on the grill. The weather was so great, I delayed the start of dinner prep (my first mistake). The weather was so great, I agreed to make chocolate milkshakes with the dinner (my second mistake). The weather was so great I lost track of time and my kids were much delayed in getting to bed! All that being said to explain what happened next.
My boys share a room. They both wanted to listen to music but of course, not the same station. I gave them a choice of either agreeing on one station/cd or wearing headsets. I'm quite wise and I considered my job done! About 20 minutes later I hear sniffling coming from the room. When I inquire to the cause, the sniffling becomes bawling! After much detailed detective work, I discover that Caleb is crying because he had decided not to wear headphones but to turn his music off. When Jack saw the unused headset, he decided to use them. He put them on and quickly fell asleep. Caleb than laid there pondering how much he really wanted to use the headset but had not realized it until Jack had them! That pondering led to sniffles, which then lead to sobbing!
So anyway, this morning I was thinking about how I might have contributed to Caleb's easily riled state. Late dinner, chocolate too close to bed time and late lights out. This is not a good combination for my normally very easy going son. All the sudden it dawned on me how blessed he truly is. My little guy's biggest trauma currently is that his brother decided to use his unwanted head phones! I'm so grateful to God that He saw fit to "return" this little boy to a state of childhood. I know that there was a life before moving here- I have the bins of papers to prove it! But it seems so distant to me now. My prayer is that God will use Caleb in a mighty way to demonstrate the sovereignty of God. I also pray prayers of gratitude that despite his past, Caleb has such a loving, generous, and fun outlook on life. I know that we are far from perfection in our home. So many times, I focus on how we might be failing as Godly parents. But the incident last night, was just a reminder of how far God has brought us all. What a blessing to be used as a tool to change the life of another. Isn't it amazing how God uses the same circumstance to have us give and receive? Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart" I have always considered this my "salvation" verse. It is the verse that God used to do surgery on my heart. It is the verse, that He used to show me to trust Him and to instruct me on what I needed to do to find Him. When I first read it, I was certain that He put it in the Bible just for me! Now, I share it with my son.

Doors Ajar

2009-03-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

I must be delirious. We have had children (two out of the four) wake us up for the last three nights due to illness. Delirium is the only reason that I can think that I would start a blog! I have no free time, my house needs some attention and did I mention two out of our four are sick! I guess I just like to write out my thoughts and this is as good as any other way to do it. Today, I'm claiming Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. You see tomorrow was supposed to be an important day. I can't go into much detail but there is a woman who is a legal guardian for a 7 year old boy. She is trying to figure out what would be best for him. There is a Christian women who has been counseling and asking her to consider adoption for him. It has been a long road with some starts and stops but they were all planning on making the two hour trip to visit us in our home. With one kid sick, I thought we could swing it but with two down and two likely to follow in their footsteps, it no longer seems wise. When I was praying and pondering this last night, actually at 4 in the morning, I have discovered that my faith is to a point that I don't seem to waver in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I totally recognize it and rely on it. However, I did decide that I am good with God's open doors and His shut doors (sometimes after much crying and mental tantrumming!), but His doors that are slightly ajar really test me. Today, I feel like a car with an old engine. Ready to move forward, willing to move forward but I'm still waiting at the start line for the flag. Yesterday, I spent the day snuggling with Grace and reading the ENTIRE blog written by Angie Smith. She is the wife of singer Todd Smith from Selah. The hardship they have endured this year as well as the links to other blogs really puts your life in perspective. I get that nothing major has changed here. It hopefully is just delayed. But I'm a little sad...therefore I'm grateful that I serve a God that sees every aspect of every part of my life. I'm gratefully that He saw fit to reveal Himself to me and John. I'm gratefully for my church that continually helps me to strive towards knowing Him more. All that said, I'm still a little sad so Proverbs 3:5-6 is my mantra today!