The Crescendo of God

In the Old Testament they have a tradition of leaving a pile of rocks as a monument in a place where God has done something amazing. Something were He displayed His power, mercy, strength, justice or love to His people. I may have to leave a pile of rocks next to my bed.

We have had a tough year. This fall, we learned that John's secretary of 10 years was stealing from him as well as from a client's account. As a result, we lost a substantial amount of fixed income. More importantly, it has shaken my husband to the core of who he is. His confidence in himself and those around him has been damaged. We have had to humble ourselves in ways that have been challenging.

Through the majority of it all I have felt that my years of Bible study had been paying off. I was focused on what God might be teaching us and attempting to encourage John however I could. However, last week I reached a breaking point. I can't even remember what set me off but I finally reached the end of myself. I went to my bedroom, got down on my knees and wept in a way I haven't done in a long time. Earlier in the week we had gone to Good News Club where we showed the kids a video about Jesus' life. The scene where the blind man desperately wanted to see made such an impression on me. All he did was touch the cloak of Christ and it was enough. While I was weeping, I begged for "just a touch". I desperately wanted to be in the same place, the same time as my Savior. I wanted the comfort of knowing that His power surrounded me and I begged forgiveness for being so limited in my faith that I needed to physically have Him "walk by" for me to be able to persevere. I yearned to be in the crowd and just reach out and touch Him. I don't know if any of this makes sense but this is where I found myself. After my melt down, I felt better. I had told God exactly where I was and we both survived. I thanked Him for loving me even when I'm a mess and went back to my life. The release felt good and I believed my prayers had been answered. God still was who He said He was and I still trusted Him. Venting just helped me refocus on Him instead of on our circumstances. It was sufficient. But God had more in store for me.

It wasn't enough for Him that I had come to the end of myself. It wasn't enough that I felt clarity and focus after our heart to heart. It wasn't enough that I recognized that He is God and His sovereignty was sufficient. He also wanted me to know so much more. He wanted me to experience His provision. He wanted me to be certain of His fatherly love. He wanted me to claim "what is the breadth and length and height and depth and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge..."(Eph. 3:19) He wanted me certain that He doesn't mess around. I thought my "knee time" was the crescendo of a difficult year. It was actually just the interlude.

This is how God responded. In the matter of less than 10 days God has showered me with blessings. It started when we met with Bethany's orphan ministry as part of a process to receive financial assistance to complete Austin's adoption. It was something I had been dreading and avoiding. It seems silly now because it was a time of encouragement, honesty and acceptance. Then I opened the mail to discover a financial gift from John's sister and husband. I was speechless and overcome with gratitude. Those two events combined would have been enough to encourage me but God had more. We then had the privilege of meeting with the leaders of our new Sunday school class. It was an answer to prayer for me to see men come along side John and encourage him in a significant way. Then for whatever reason, I forgot to get the mail on Sat. I remembered it tonight after a great day of worshiping, learning and bonding with a sister in Christ. In my mail I found a letter of encouragement from our Sunday school teacher and another envelope with an anonymous note saying "We love you guys" with money enclosed. I wept again! Just being able to fall on my knees and talk to God was sufficient. I was fine when I was done. But God chose to shower us with His love. I don't know how He prompted the chain of events and the timing but I'm completely overwhelmed. He is just NEVER, NEVER, NEVER done with us! At the moments when we feel like we can't take another step He carries us. I don't have words to explain what God has taught me this week. For many of my years knowing Him, I have struggled with the reality that although I'm confident in my faith of what He has done for me on the cross, I still have a fear of trusting Him completely because of what might be required to refine me. I have recognized Him as a Sovereign Creator, Savior and Lord but now I feel like I also understand a bit of the Abba Father. Some might say it is just coincidence. They might say that people who cared saw us struggling and reached out to help. But I know better. I know that the God who knows the number of hairs on my head walked by and I didn't even need to touch His cloak. Thank you, Father.