Why?

The beauty of FaceBook is that you have an opportunity to get connected with people you haven't seen or talked to in years. It has expanded my view of the world. I realize that at times, my "bubble" is very small. Not by choice but circumstance. I'm a stay-at-home mom. My kids go to a small Christian school and my friends from church have become my family. O.K. I guess that is by choice! Today, I received a FB message asking me why we are considering adoption again. I guess it should be a simple answer but it has had me pondering all day. The simple answer is we have a solid marriage, we are unified in our willingness to adopt again and believe that God is calling us to be available for this purpose. The pondering part came from reflecting back on the majority of my life where I did not seek God's purpose. I had some religion. I knew I wasn't Jewish, Muslim or Hindi so I must be a Christian. I was fairly moral so that's a good thing, right? Interestingly enough, I had no peace, no real hope and no confidence in the world around me. O.K. that is the only thing that hasn't changed. I still don't have any confidence in the world around me. What I do have is an intimate relationship with a Creator. He has revealed Himself in so many ways that I can not waver in my confidence in Him.
Maybe it is because I just celebrated a birthday. I'm getting older and more reflective! I'm also celebrating my 10 years of knowing Christ. I can't remember how I made decisions prior to having genuine faith. I also have difficulty explaining how I can now make decisions based solely on my faith. I know that the core of who I am has changed. God has taken me down roads that have been challenging, sorrowful and life changing. Even with loss, I have no regrets. I can see His hand in every detail and I'm certain of the unseen as well. I told a friend recently that so much of my spiritual growth seems like child birth. (I can speak from experience here having delivered a 8 pd 12 oz baby with no drugs!) In the midst of it I cry out for mercy and beg for it to stop. There are moments when I lose perspective and don't even care about the outcome anymore. I just want it over! But God always knows what is on the other side. He can calmly walk along side me during it because He knows where He is taking me. The struggle is so fleeting compared to the end result. I wish I was more theological at times. I wish I could pull from memory, verses that would convince others of God's sovereign will. Unfortunately, I have a memory like a sieve! Then I remember that my words alone will not help another trust in God. I can say this, the only regrets I have in my life our decisions I have made outside of God's will. I can approach the issue of adoption with an open hand. Willing and waiting for His call. I'm confident that I will hear His voice. That is the biggest miracle of all in my life. Not a happy marriage, not the miracle of childbirth, not the blessings of adoption...but that I know my Savior's voice.
P.S. As I write this, I have 5 little monkeys sleeping in their beds!

On The Receiving End

My mood is strange. I'm either totally disconnected or experiencing the peace that surpasses all understanding! We had a monumental afternoon. We have been aware of a boy that may be in need of a home. We have prayed about the situation but it seemed to fall apart in January. I shed a few tears and then the God that I attempt to serve calmed me in a way that I have never experienced before. I love being in a boat without a paddle. Just floating with the current and knowing that there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't believe how gracious our God is. At this moment, in this situation, He has revealed to me that I have grown to trust Him. Maybe, this is not such a big deal for you, but I know myself and I know that although I have faith in Him and I desire for Him to be Lord of my life, I still struggle with trust. How is that possible? How can you have saving faith but still doubt? My problem is that I recognize that God is sovereign. He is Creator, Father and Master. He placed the stars in the skies and He knows the number of hairs on my head. I know all this and yet I catch my self wondering how He can be concerned with me. I question not "if" He is capable but "why" He would bother orchestrating the details of my life. However, I have come to discover that how I "feel" is irrelevant. He is the I Am and He has enabled me to trust Him beyond what I thought I was capable.
Our meeting with Austin's guardian went so well. They arrived about 12:30 and didn't leave until almost 9:00! Prior to them coming, I was focused on praying the Lord's Prayer. I love the simplicity. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. That has become my heart's desire. His will in this situation. I'm so calm I had to evaluate myself to see if I was even emotionally connected! We went into this meeting just being ourselves. Again, no need to sell ourselves when you recognize that God is the only one who can determine the outcome! It was such an enjoyable afternoon. I was grateful to realize that Kitty is easy to be around. I could easily see maintaining a relationship for the benefit of Austin. She told us that she recognizes that she needs to move forward with pursuing adoption. Her health is fragile and she recognizes that she can not provide stability for him. She stated that from the moment she heard about us she knew it would be the right situation for him however she struggles with the reality of letting him go. We were really open and honest with each other. The mother in me aches for anyone having to make a decision like that. I also had an opportunity to share with her about our faith. I told her we were willing and able and trusting that God would orchestrate the details. It was surreal. Prior to them arriving, I wondered if the subject of adoption would even come up. Then all of the sudden, we were discussing details and plans. She was talking as if she has already decided it is just a matter of timing and transition. I have no way to describe the day other then to say, I totally felt God's hand on my heart and mind. He opened doors. He helped us see each other in a real way and empathize with each other. I recognize that matters of the heart are precarious and she can change her mind at any time, but as of now we are moving forward. I'm so grateful for the prayers and the calm that God has given us. Please pray for Kitty as she attempts to move forward and let go. We are planning that Austin will come spend next weekend with us. It will be the first night they have spent apart in a year and a half. We don't really know what to expect. I'm concerned because our parenting styles are very different. I'm praying that we will continue to communicate clearly and always put Austin's needs above our own. Right now, we feel like soldiers just waiting for our marching orders and trying not to get attached to our own plans. Thy will be done.

I Married One of the Good Guys!

I remember when I first met my husband. I was relieved to find out that he was employed! Then I found out he was a lawyer. Of course, I had heard all the lawyer jokes and because I considered him extremely good looking, I figured he was a smarmy ambulance chaser! Boy was I relieved when he told me he was an assistant State Attorney. I perked up. He was one of the good guys. One of the knights in shining armor defending the victims from wrong doing. I could get my brain around that kind of work. When we were dating, I remember asking him how attorneys can defend people that they think are guilty of committing crimes. He explained to me that everyone is entitled to representation. That representation does not involve judgment. That is the judge and jury's job. He also reminded me of the terrible injustice that can occur when someone is not represented. Basically, an attorney's job is not to "get someone off" of a crime that they committed but to make sure they have been fairly and equally represented. After years of prosecuting, we made the decision that John should become self employed. Because his years of experience were in prosecuting criminal charges, it made sense that he would use those skills and become a self employed defense attorney.
Years later we both became Christians. I have had people ask me how a Christian could defend the guilty. I explain it to them the way John explained it to me. I also tell them that it would be very difficult for a lawyer to switch his specialty. Just like we would not expect a neurosurgeon to become a pediatrician. This seems to satisfy them but I sometimes wonder if they judge him based on his profession. I don't because I know his heart. I have always believed that he carries a heavy burden. He is daily confronted with the lost, desperate, and nonrepentent and in most situations he is not able to share his faith.
Today he came home with a story that confirmed what I already knew. John cares about people. He is the attorney for our local drug court. This is a system that attempts to avoid
just locking up offenders but provides them with the support to change their lives. It is a strict program and criteria must be met to participate. Today they celebrated "graduation". John told me that there was a women who almost gave up. She had to choose between an abusive boyfriend and drugs or the program. Sadly, she was drawn to the boyfriend and drugs. He had an opportunity to talk to her prior to her making her decision. She specifically said during her graduation speech that that conversation was a turning point for her. John had laid it out for her. He used logic and respect to communicate to her that she had a choice to make. He couldn't make it for her but he cared enough to take the time to speak to her like she was a human with potential and not a "user". His eyes misted up as he retold me the story. He cares. He is one of the good guys no matter what "side" he is on. It was a reminder to me that I am glad that God uses us were we are. I Peter 4:10 says "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. " I pray that God will continue to use John in his workplace. I also pray that he will have the opportunity and freedom to share his faith. If just a few moments of our time, can change a person's perspective on their life, can you imagine what the Gospel can do! I can.

Boy Trauma

As I was washing dishes today, I was reliving our evening yesterday. We celebrated the beautiful weather with a good old fashioned cook-out. We had yummy burgers on the grill. The weather was so great, I delayed the start of dinner prep (my first mistake). The weather was so great, I agreed to make chocolate milkshakes with the dinner (my second mistake). The weather was so great I lost track of time and my kids were much delayed in getting to bed! All that being said to explain what happened next.
My boys share a room. They both wanted to listen to music but of course, not the same station. I gave them a choice of either agreeing on one station/cd or wearing headsets. I'm quite wise and I considered my job done! About 20 minutes later I hear sniffling coming from the room. When I inquire to the cause, the sniffling becomes bawling! After much detailed detective work, I discover that Caleb is crying because he had decided not to wear headphones but to turn his music off. When Jack saw the unused headset, he decided to use them. He put them on and quickly fell asleep. Caleb than laid there pondering how much he really wanted to use the headset but had not realized it until Jack had them! That pondering led to sniffles, which then lead to sobbing!
So anyway, this morning I was thinking about how I might have contributed to Caleb's easily riled state. Late dinner, chocolate too close to bed time and late lights out. This is not a good combination for my normally very easy going son. All the sudden it dawned on me how blessed he truly is. My little guy's biggest trauma currently is that his brother decided to use his unwanted head phones! I'm so grateful to God that He saw fit to "return" this little boy to a state of childhood. I know that there was a life before moving here- I have the bins of papers to prove it! But it seems so distant to me now. My prayer is that God will use Caleb in a mighty way to demonstrate the sovereignty of God. I also pray prayers of gratitude that despite his past, Caleb has such a loving, generous, and fun outlook on life. I know that we are far from perfection in our home. So many times, I focus on how we might be failing as Godly parents. But the incident last night, was just a reminder of how far God has brought us all. What a blessing to be used as a tool to change the life of another. Isn't it amazing how God uses the same circumstance to have us give and receive? Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart" I have always considered this my "salvation" verse. It is the verse that God used to do surgery on my heart. It is the verse, that He used to show me to trust Him and to instruct me on what I needed to do to find Him. When I first read it, I was certain that He put it in the Bible just for me! Now, I share it with my son.

Doors Ajar

I must be delirious. We have had children (two out of the four) wake us up for the last three nights due to illness. Delirium is the only reason that I can think that I would start a blog! I have no free time, my house needs some attention and did I mention two out of our four are sick! I guess I just like to write out my thoughts and this is as good as any other way to do it. Today, I'm claiming Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. You see tomorrow was supposed to be an important day. I can't go into much detail but there is a woman who is a legal guardian for a 7 year old boy. She is trying to figure out what would be best for him. There is a Christian women who has been counseling and asking her to consider adoption for him. It has been a long road with some starts and stops but they were all planning on making the two hour trip to visit us in our home. With one kid sick, I thought we could swing it but with two down and two likely to follow in their footsteps, it no longer seems wise. When I was praying and pondering this last night, actually at 4 in the morning, I have discovered that my faith is to a point that I don't seem to waver in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I totally recognize it and rely on it. However, I did decide that I am good with God's open doors and His shut doors (sometimes after much crying and mental tantrumming!), but His doors that are slightly ajar really test me. Today, I feel like a car with an old engine. Ready to move forward, willing to move forward but I'm still waiting at the start line for the flag. Yesterday, I spent the day snuggling with Grace and reading the ENTIRE blog written by Angie Smith. She is the wife of singer Todd Smith from Selah. The hardship they have endured this year as well as the links to other blogs really puts your life in perspective. I get that nothing major has changed here. It hopefully is just delayed. But I'm a little sad...therefore I'm grateful that I serve a God that sees every aspect of every part of my life. I'm gratefully that He saw fit to reveal Himself to me and John. I'm gratefully for my church that continually helps me to strive towards knowing Him more. All that said, I'm still a little sad so Proverbs 3:5-6 is my mantra today!