Why?

The beauty of FaceBook is that you have an opportunity to get connected with people you haven't seen or talked to in years. It has expanded my view of the world. I realize that at times, my "bubble" is very small. Not by choice but circumstance. I'm a stay-at-home mom. My kids go to a small Christian school and my friends from church have become my family. O.K. I guess that is by choice! Today, I received a FB message asking me why we are considering adoption again. I guess it should be a simple answer but it has had me pondering all day. The simple answer is we have a solid marriage, we are unified in our willingness to adopt again and believe that God is calling us to be available for this purpose. The pondering part came from reflecting back on the majority of my life where I did not seek God's purpose. I had some religion. I knew I wasn't Jewish, Muslim or Hindi so I must be a Christian. I was fairly moral so that's a good thing, right? Interestingly enough, I had no peace, no real hope and no confidence in the world around me. O.K. that is the only thing that hasn't changed. I still don't have any confidence in the world around me. What I do have is an intimate relationship with a Creator. He has revealed Himself in so many ways that I can not waver in my confidence in Him.
Maybe it is because I just celebrated a birthday. I'm getting older and more reflective! I'm also celebrating my 10 years of knowing Christ. I can't remember how I made decisions prior to having genuine faith. I also have difficulty explaining how I can now make decisions based solely on my faith. I know that the core of who I am has changed. God has taken me down roads that have been challenging, sorrowful and life changing. Even with loss, I have no regrets. I can see His hand in every detail and I'm certain of the unseen as well. I told a friend recently that so much of my spiritual growth seems like child birth. (I can speak from experience here having delivered a 8 pd 12 oz baby with no drugs!) In the midst of it I cry out for mercy and beg for it to stop. There are moments when I lose perspective and don't even care about the outcome anymore. I just want it over! But God always knows what is on the other side. He can calmly walk along side me during it because He knows where He is taking me. The struggle is so fleeting compared to the end result. I wish I was more theological at times. I wish I could pull from memory, verses that would convince others of God's sovereign will. Unfortunately, I have a memory like a sieve! Then I remember that my words alone will not help another trust in God. I can say this, the only regrets I have in my life our decisions I have made outside of God's will. I can approach the issue of adoption with an open hand. Willing and waiting for His call. I'm confident that I will hear His voice. That is the biggest miracle of all in my life. Not a happy marriage, not the miracle of childbirth, not the blessings of adoption...but that I know my Savior's voice.
P.S. As I write this, I have 5 little monkeys sleeping in their beds!