On The Receiving End

My mood is strange. I'm either totally disconnected or experiencing the peace that surpasses all understanding! We had a monumental afternoon. We have been aware of a boy that may be in need of a home. We have prayed about the situation but it seemed to fall apart in January. I shed a few tears and then the God that I attempt to serve calmed me in a way that I have never experienced before. I love being in a boat without a paddle. Just floating with the current and knowing that there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't believe how gracious our God is. At this moment, in this situation, He has revealed to me that I have grown to trust Him. Maybe, this is not such a big deal for you, but I know myself and I know that although I have faith in Him and I desire for Him to be Lord of my life, I still struggle with trust. How is that possible? How can you have saving faith but still doubt? My problem is that I recognize that God is sovereign. He is Creator, Father and Master. He placed the stars in the skies and He knows the number of hairs on my head. I know all this and yet I catch my self wondering how He can be concerned with me. I question not "if" He is capable but "why" He would bother orchestrating the details of my life. However, I have come to discover that how I "feel" is irrelevant. He is the I Am and He has enabled me to trust Him beyond what I thought I was capable.
Our meeting with Austin's guardian went so well. They arrived about 12:30 and didn't leave until almost 9:00! Prior to them coming, I was focused on praying the Lord's Prayer. I love the simplicity. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. That has become my heart's desire. His will in this situation. I'm so calm I had to evaluate myself to see if I was even emotionally connected! We went into this meeting just being ourselves. Again, no need to sell ourselves when you recognize that God is the only one who can determine the outcome! It was such an enjoyable afternoon. I was grateful to realize that Kitty is easy to be around. I could easily see maintaining a relationship for the benefit of Austin. She told us that she recognizes that she needs to move forward with pursuing adoption. Her health is fragile and she recognizes that she can not provide stability for him. She stated that from the moment she heard about us she knew it would be the right situation for him however she struggles with the reality of letting him go. We were really open and honest with each other. The mother in me aches for anyone having to make a decision like that. I also had an opportunity to share with her about our faith. I told her we were willing and able and trusting that God would orchestrate the details. It was surreal. Prior to them arriving, I wondered if the subject of adoption would even come up. Then all of the sudden, we were discussing details and plans. She was talking as if she has already decided it is just a matter of timing and transition. I have no way to describe the day other then to say, I totally felt God's hand on my heart and mind. He opened doors. He helped us see each other in a real way and empathize with each other. I recognize that matters of the heart are precarious and she can change her mind at any time, but as of now we are moving forward. I'm so grateful for the prayers and the calm that God has given us. Please pray for Kitty as she attempts to move forward and let go. We are planning that Austin will come spend next weekend with us. It will be the first night they have spent apart in a year and a half. We don't really know what to expect. I'm concerned because our parenting styles are very different. I'm praying that we will continue to communicate clearly and always put Austin's needs above our own. Right now, we feel like soldiers just waiting for our marching orders and trying not to get attached to our own plans. Thy will be done.