The Things kids say!

One of the interesting things about adding a child to your family that is not an infant is the dialogue that takes between them. Today as we were preparing for dinner, Austin said, "I want water". Having been here for several visits he quickly corrected himself and said, "May I have water?" Caleb was standing near by during this interaction. He added, "Actually, it is may I PLEASE have water? That's O.K. you're new at this!" This caught me as very funny! Caleb the guy that I have been working with for three years to chew with his mouth closed has now become the "Master of Manners"! The other funny aspect was Austin IS completely new at this! I think he actually enjoys the manners. He likes to look exasperated but I find it curious that he quickly corrects himself and seems quite pleased that he is becoming such a gentlemen! It must be overwhelming to be in a new environment. I remember when Liz and Caleb moved in. We were off kilter for awhile. There are so many nuisances to your home environment that we take for granted. What is considered humor? What is considered rude? What is appropriate sarcasm? What is disrespectful? The list goes on and on. All the little things that we take for granted that create the atmosphere in our home. I'm trying to balance my "rules" with humor and a big dose of grace. I know that I could use some. Chew with your mouths closed, people!

Just a family update!

Alright, the other day I said that I would have blogs that were just family updates. Today is the day! We attended our church's Open Hearts, Open Home Orphan Ministry Welcome Home Party. It was short and sweet! Short...It couldn't last very long when the kids way out numbered the adults! Sweet...a ton of cake with a ton of frosting! I loved seeing all the kids that have already been adopted or fostered. Also, there were several families that have started the process that came to celebrate. Especially fun for me was to see Austin get to spend some time with his brothers. They have been adopted by friends of ours from church.

Because you said so!

Luke 5:5. "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets." This verse is haunting me. We recently had a great sermon at church that focused on this passage. Then in my quiet time I came across it again. I have been thinking about how we think we know so much. How from our perspective we can figure out the best move or our next steps. Isn't God so funny? He allows us to feel comfortable in our "knowledge" and then demonstrates to us how we know nothing! Here is the expert fisherman, Simon, he has done everything in his power to get the job done. He caught nothing! Not only has he given up for the day but he has already cleaned his nets. Now, Jesus, the carpenter, tells him to cast out and do it all over again. I love Simon's response. Basically, he says, nothing you are telling me makes any sense but because the direction came from you, I will obey. I wish I had faith like that day in and day out. I know I have had little "Simon moments" along the way. Times where I finally opened my hand and let go of what I desired only to rejoice that God had so much more in store for me.
But today I rejoice that I am in the midst of the largest stretch of "Simon days" I have ever experienced. I don't know why God has given me such peace. There is no recipe that I can look at and say, "This is what I did differently". My quiet time is still sporadic, my prayer time is unorganized...I still yell at my kids and refuse to apologize. All I know is that I have been praying the Lord's prayer over a situation in my life and I have experienced the ability to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust Him.
Tomorrow, Austin is moving in! It is so convoluted. So crazy. So surreal. Some might look at me and say that I don't seem excited. They would misinterpret my outward behavior. The reality is that since about 4 days after the social worker called to say "It is never going to happen", I knew it WAS going to happen. God spoke to my heart in such a way as to say "Go ahead with your life. Don't get bogged down. I've got this. Trust me." Maybe I have had such peace because I'm already a busy mommy of 4. Maybe I could take or leave one more. Maybe I'm tired and realize that more is more work. Maybe. But I don't think I'm neutral or unconcerned about this little boy's life. I just think my Father spoke to me in such a way that closed the door on any anxiety or fear that I would normally experience. Most days, I feel like a wave tossed around. My experience of God is based on the circumstances in my life. I hate that about myself! But in the case of Austin and how God will provide for him and for us along the way, He has given me the power to keep my eyes solely on Him! I love the view!

Is blogging dangerous?

My brain is once again spinning. Maybe it's the crazy week. Some exciting news on Monday (I'll share later), husband having surgery, laundry eerily completed. I had a conversation with someone today that was challenging. Now I know if I post about it, no one will have a conversation with me again because they will be concerned that nothing is private. Not the case, I will protect the innocent at all costs! The conversation was actually very interesting and I can not write my thoughts without referring to it as it is the whole reason I'm writing in the first place. It got me wondering, "Is the internet stage an unsafe platform to communicate?". Not from the unknown predator perspective, we all know about that risk. But from the perspective of communicating in a way that damages relationships and alienates us from others. That got me thinking "Why do we Facebook or blog at all?". I originally Facebooked because a friend told me it was a great way to get connected with people. She was right. Then I started blogging because I enjoyed reading other people's blogs. It was like meeting someone at Starbucks for coffee without actually spending five bucks for a coffee and conversation. Another friend pointed out that you can have your blog printed so that your kids can have a "scrapbook" with insight into your life. Kind of like a diary. Wouldn't any of us love to have something like that from our parents. That sold me on the idea of blogging. My poor children currently have no babybooks, scrapbooks or even consistent journal entries. Blogging is their only hope!

Today, my friend on the phone pointed out that the big downside of leaving your thoughts floating on the internet is that they can easily be misinterpreted and offend someone. In fact, they can be correctly interpreted and as equally offend! I guess the risk is that it is easy to take a stand on something when you are sitting in the privacy of your own home. I usually am not a "pot stirrer". I hate conflict. In the fight or flight aspect of life, my first choice is flight. I would rarely bring up a touchy topic unless someone else started the conversation. Now don't get me wrong. I love to talk and debate. It stimulates my otherwise understimulated brain. But I hate arguing. I believe that we can have equally opposing ideas and beliefs and still discuss them in a loving manner. I also recognize that sometimes when discussing very sensitive topics no matter how careful you try to be with your words, you might still offend someone. So then I got thinking, "If written words without discussion can easily be misinterpreted or offend, why take a chance?". Really, who is reading it anyway! Maybe I could just have a blog that gave updates on our family with pictures to prove we are as cute as I describe us to be! That would be safe and always nonconfrontational. I also considered turning on the "invite only" switch to my blog. But I realized that did not take care of the problem. How would I know who agrees with me and who doesn't. What if you agree one time but not another? Maybe, I should just stop all together? What about my kids' scrapbook? And around and around I go!

Ultimately, I decided that I would compromise with myself. Keep the blog open but add a disclaimer. That way, if someone reads something they are offended by they can say, "At least she warned me"! It is the reality of who I am. Some times it is a strength, sometimes a weakness, but I strive for transparency. I hate superficial and hate when I feel like I have to operate at that level to keep the peace. I just want one "safe base" where I can express myself. I figure my kids will find it interesting when they get older. They might get a sense of why we make the decisions we do. They might understand some life change from a different perspective then their own. They might even disagree with my opinions but at least they will know where I stood.

I'm going to keep the blog open, for the time being, because I know how I have been challenged by reading others thoughts and words. Even when I don't agree, it makes me think and that is always a good thing. The reality is that reading anything printed or on the net is an option. I have been interested in something before, checked it out and then determined that I disagreed on every aspect of what someone was saying. It no longer became interesting or challenging so I quit reading it. The blog is simply what is on my mind. I'm not starting a campaign or debate. I realize that sometimes my thoughts are impulsive and not well thought out. My loving husband reads it but doesn't "get" it. I think he chalks it up to silly girl stuff. I think he is right. It is what it is. Right now, it is simply a way for me to be real, be transparent and be bold. That's it.
P.S. Because I am a people pleaser. I have added tags to my posts. For those who would simple like to check in and get the family updates, you can check out "family updates". For my husband who might be the only one interested in my inner thoughts, I have added a "deep thoughts" tag.!

Oh No!

The problem with opening your heart is that your heart is open! We have had a week of extreme highs and lows. The lows I have covered in previous blogs. We lost our dog Harley in the most traumatic of circumstances. The highs....let me count them. Austin has been here for 9 days! It has gone so well. The beauty of having 4 children already is that when you add one more you hardly notice the downside. What's a couple more piles of dirty clothes or glasses of water that were discarded? What we do get is one more personality into the crazy routine of our life! I will admit...but only here...that I'm feeling attached. I know we are in the "honeymoon" phase. He may still be on his best behavior. I'm not a spring chicken. But despite the fact that eventually we will have to discipline and train I think he is worth it. More importantly, I believe God brought him here exactly for that purpose. I'm certain that when I drop him off tomorrow into somebody else's care I'll shed a few tears. I'll keep them to myself. I'll look forward to our next visit and I will trust God in the details. I'll leave my "I want to be the Mom" t-shirt at home! I'm so grateful that this week of high highs and low lows coincided with the celebration of my Savior's death and resurrection. How can I lose perspective during a week like this? God is sovereign over all the details of life. He was then and He continues to be. I trust Him with the events that occur in my home. I trust Him as I return Austin to his home.

I'm not one of "those" people...

Alright, I'm not one of those crazy "my dog is my baby" people. I don't have outfits for the dogs. I don't have little doggy statues around the house..not even a magnet on the fridge. However, I hate the nighttime. I hate closing my eyes and relieving my day on Tuesday. I hate how I had to manage it on my own (in the beginning, anyway) so I feel like I'm the only one who experienced the "entire" event. So since I'm sad anyway, I decided to make a list of the things I'll miss about Harley. I know she is a dog not a human. I have it in perspective but I hate the loss. These are the "Top Ten Things I'll Miss about Life without Harley".
10: Knowing that skinny Sammy was kept warm while their shared a crate each night
9: Having her jump on my lap, uninvited, causing me to spill coffee all over myself
8: Knowing that no matter how many times she saw us, she was always as excited as the first time
7: Hearing her cry when the kids failed to take her outside with them
6: How she hated her ear medicine, baths, and nails clipped but always trusted me to do it
5: How she was never satisfied snuggling unless she was on top of you
4: How Gracie was "her girl"
3: How she would sassy bark at me every time I called her to her crate. "I'll go in b/c I want to but not b/c you told me to!"
2: How she and Bella would play "Call of the wild". Better than any episode of Animal Planet
1: Never looking at Bella the same way again....
0: Sorry but forgot one of the most important things..Harley had an amazing way of laying very still when she was tired and totally relaxed. But as soon as someone she loved would walk into the room, the end of her tail would start wagging. It reminded us of a rattle snake. She loved her people.
I listened to Pastor Joel's sermon on How Hard is Not bad it's just hard. I heard what he said about not racing through a difficult situation but taking the time to learn what God is teaching us. However, I can't wait for the night that I can close my eyes and not be "there" again.

Grief is prove that evolution is bogus

Today I am grieving. We lost a beloved pet. I don't know if it would feel differently if it was less traumatic but it wasn't. It was horrific. It started like any other day. The dogs played. The kids played. At one point one of the kids called me into the room to see the dogs all piled on the rug each chewing a bone. Happy as could be. The next thing I knew, my kids were frantic and two of the dogs were literally at each others throats. I don't know how it started. I don't know if I could have done something differently. All I know is there was nothing I could do to stop it. The kids were crying. Trying to help. I sent them outside. I was helpless. Finally when it was over, one dog was in a daze the other was lying lifeless on the floor. I knew she was still alive. I could feel her heart beat but she was in such shock. I gathered her into my arms and headed to the vet. I would have paid a million dollars just to have my husband here to deal with it but it was me. In the end, the shock was too much and it was more humane to let her go without anymore struggle. The girls and I were at Sam's when we got the final news. Have you ever been somewhere you can't figure a way to get out of and you don't even care if people see you cry? One poor man even asked us if we needed some water. All night the images are playing through my head. My kids screaming, my dogs fighting, carrying her to the car and praying. But even more important was last night as Harley laid curled into a ball snuggling with Jack. I had a moment when I just loved on her because they were so sweet and tired. I always said she was the best dog when she was tired because all the spaz was gone! I know that God knows my heart. I know that He knew what the day had in store for me. I'm pleased that the first thing I wanted to do after transferring my Harley to the vet's hands was read my Bible on my Iphone! I know that God knows our tears. I know that there are people all around me grieving the loss of human loved ones. I know that I have a friend tending to her dying son. I know that this is the week that my Saviour cried in the garden, carried the cross and died for my sins. Isn't the fact that we love so deeply and grieve so profoundly proof that evolution is not possible. How could love, joy, peace and grief be a result of some cosmic pool of nothing. I'm grateful for grieve. It demonstrates that God made us capable of great love. Most of all I'm grateful for a God that doesn't take my grieve lightly and He doesn't leave me alone during it. I'm so very sad.