A pile of rocks

There are many examples of in the Old Testament of piles of rocks placed on a spot where God had revealed Himself in a mighty way. Noah, Abram, Isaac, Jacob, Joshua, and Samuel were all alter builders. Joshua tells his people, "..that this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the the ark of the covenant of the Lord." Joshua 4:6-7. Maybe for me, some of my blog entries are my "pile of rocks". Interesting that a simple pile of rocks could be a tribute to an awe inspiring living God. Certainly, the pile itself does nothing to impress Him. I'm betting it is the heart of the people who place the rocks one by one that brings God glory.

I was reading some of my previous posts. I wanted to see were my "heart" was 1 month ago, 3 weeks ago and so on. You see, my circumstances have changed. The thing that I was praising God for only a week ago has been temporarily or permanently placed on hold. I have been unusually calm but slightly melancholy. I'm just taking some time to process the change and adjust. I had gotten used to the idea of having five children. I was enjoying the added personality and I was even feeling some warm and fuzzy "mommy feelings" towards the new little person in our home. Several times during last week, I caught myself watching all five of "my" kids and just welling up. I felt so blessed! Now that the situation has changed, am I less blessed? By no means. Right now, I'm praising Him for giving me a sense of perspective and focus. I'm an emotionally driven person so whenever I respond to a situation calmly, I know it's from God! Also, I'm more determined then ever to stay planted on my "Thy will be done" mantra. I do now know the ways of God. I do not know what is best for me. I've started to mature at the age of 42 to realize that not everything I "want" is what I "need".

I have a confession to make. Sometimes, when I hear the phrase "God is so good!", it makes me cringe. Not because it is not true but because the context in which it is most often used. I usually hear it after some situation involving much prayer on the part of a believer. God has responded in the way that the believer was "hoping" he would. Then those around him rejoice. Sometimes I wonder why we don't hear it more during times when God closes doors or answers in ways we were "hoping He wouldn't". I think most of us recognize that God is good all the time. His goodness is not dependent on our perceptions of our situation. I'm so grateful for that.

So today, I looked back on some of my piles of rocks. I believe that God prompted our Old Testament heroes to build the alters, not because He needed it but because we did. We forget so much of what God has done after He has done it. The ways He has given, the ways He had protected and the ways He has stretched us to new growth. So today, things are different then they were last week. My house is completely quiet. There is no little guy to interact with or work my schedule around. I miss him. In many ways it is different, but in many ways everything is exactly the same. God is still good!

Kids just want to have fun!

One of the great things about having kids is that you have an excuse to do things you might not normally do. Last night, we went to a barn dance! I have not do-see-doed since Jr high gym class. It really was so much fun. One the best parts was just looking around at some of our friends. Realizing that we really have grown some tight bonds. We look out for each others kids, we help each other out but we also just laugh a lot! At several points during the evening, I was watching the kids interact. They are growing up together and it is exciting to watch them develop. As the parents deepen their friendships the kids are doing the same. I hope we dance at all of their weddings! Maybe a do-see-doe!

The Things kids say!

One of the interesting things about adding a child to your family that is not an infant is the dialogue that takes between them. Today as we were preparing for dinner, Austin said, "I want water". Having been here for several visits he quickly corrected himself and said, "May I have water?" Caleb was standing near by during this interaction. He added, "Actually, it is may I PLEASE have water? That's O.K. you're new at this!" This caught me as very funny! Caleb the guy that I have been working with for three years to chew with his mouth closed has now become the "Master of Manners"! The other funny aspect was Austin IS completely new at this! I think he actually enjoys the manners. He likes to look exasperated but I find it curious that he quickly corrects himself and seems quite pleased that he is becoming such a gentlemen! It must be overwhelming to be in a new environment. I remember when Liz and Caleb moved in. We were off kilter for awhile. There are so many nuisances to your home environment that we take for granted. What is considered humor? What is considered rude? What is appropriate sarcasm? What is disrespectful? The list goes on and on. All the little things that we take for granted that create the atmosphere in our home. I'm trying to balance my "rules" with humor and a big dose of grace. I know that I could use some. Chew with your mouths closed, people!

Just a family update!

Alright, the other day I said that I would have blogs that were just family updates. Today is the day! We attended our church's Open Hearts, Open Home Orphan Ministry Welcome Home Party. It was short and sweet! Short...It couldn't last very long when the kids way out numbered the adults! Sweet...a ton of cake with a ton of frosting! I loved seeing all the kids that have already been adopted or fostered. Also, there were several families that have started the process that came to celebrate. Especially fun for me was to see Austin get to spend some time with his brothers. They have been adopted by friends of ours from church.

Because you said so!

Luke 5:5. "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets." This verse is haunting me. We recently had a great sermon at church that focused on this passage. Then in my quiet time I came across it again. I have been thinking about how we think we know so much. How from our perspective we can figure out the best move or our next steps. Isn't God so funny? He allows us to feel comfortable in our "knowledge" and then demonstrates to us how we know nothing! Here is the expert fisherman, Simon, he has done everything in his power to get the job done. He caught nothing! Not only has he given up for the day but he has already cleaned his nets. Now, Jesus, the carpenter, tells him to cast out and do it all over again. I love Simon's response. Basically, he says, nothing you are telling me makes any sense but because the direction came from you, I will obey. I wish I had faith like that day in and day out. I know I have had little "Simon moments" along the way. Times where I finally opened my hand and let go of what I desired only to rejoice that God had so much more in store for me.
But today I rejoice that I am in the midst of the largest stretch of "Simon days" I have ever experienced. I don't know why God has given me such peace. There is no recipe that I can look at and say, "This is what I did differently". My quiet time is still sporadic, my prayer time is unorganized...I still yell at my kids and refuse to apologize. All I know is that I have been praying the Lord's prayer over a situation in my life and I have experienced the ability to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust Him.
Tomorrow, Austin is moving in! It is so convoluted. So crazy. So surreal. Some might look at me and say that I don't seem excited. They would misinterpret my outward behavior. The reality is that since about 4 days after the social worker called to say "It is never going to happen", I knew it WAS going to happen. God spoke to my heart in such a way as to say "Go ahead with your life. Don't get bogged down. I've got this. Trust me." Maybe I have had such peace because I'm already a busy mommy of 4. Maybe I could take or leave one more. Maybe I'm tired and realize that more is more work. Maybe. But I don't think I'm neutral or unconcerned about this little boy's life. I just think my Father spoke to me in such a way that closed the door on any anxiety or fear that I would normally experience. Most days, I feel like a wave tossed around. My experience of God is based on the circumstances in my life. I hate that about myself! But in the case of Austin and how God will provide for him and for us along the way, He has given me the power to keep my eyes solely on Him! I love the view!

Is blogging dangerous?

My brain is once again spinning. Maybe it's the crazy week. Some exciting news on Monday (I'll share later), husband having surgery, laundry eerily completed. I had a conversation with someone today that was challenging. Now I know if I post about it, no one will have a conversation with me again because they will be concerned that nothing is private. Not the case, I will protect the innocent at all costs! The conversation was actually very interesting and I can not write my thoughts without referring to it as it is the whole reason I'm writing in the first place. It got me wondering, "Is the internet stage an unsafe platform to communicate?". Not from the unknown predator perspective, we all know about that risk. But from the perspective of communicating in a way that damages relationships and alienates us from others. That got me thinking "Why do we Facebook or blog at all?". I originally Facebooked because a friend told me it was a great way to get connected with people. She was right. Then I started blogging because I enjoyed reading other people's blogs. It was like meeting someone at Starbucks for coffee without actually spending five bucks for a coffee and conversation. Another friend pointed out that you can have your blog printed so that your kids can have a "scrapbook" with insight into your life. Kind of like a diary. Wouldn't any of us love to have something like that from our parents. That sold me on the idea of blogging. My poor children currently have no babybooks, scrapbooks or even consistent journal entries. Blogging is their only hope!

Today, my friend on the phone pointed out that the big downside of leaving your thoughts floating on the internet is that they can easily be misinterpreted and offend someone. In fact, they can be correctly interpreted and as equally offend! I guess the risk is that it is easy to take a stand on something when you are sitting in the privacy of your own home. I usually am not a "pot stirrer". I hate conflict. In the fight or flight aspect of life, my first choice is flight. I would rarely bring up a touchy topic unless someone else started the conversation. Now don't get me wrong. I love to talk and debate. It stimulates my otherwise understimulated brain. But I hate arguing. I believe that we can have equally opposing ideas and beliefs and still discuss them in a loving manner. I also recognize that sometimes when discussing very sensitive topics no matter how careful you try to be with your words, you might still offend someone. So then I got thinking, "If written words without discussion can easily be misinterpreted or offend, why take a chance?". Really, who is reading it anyway! Maybe I could just have a blog that gave updates on our family with pictures to prove we are as cute as I describe us to be! That would be safe and always nonconfrontational. I also considered turning on the "invite only" switch to my blog. But I realized that did not take care of the problem. How would I know who agrees with me and who doesn't. What if you agree one time but not another? Maybe, I should just stop all together? What about my kids' scrapbook? And around and around I go!

Ultimately, I decided that I would compromise with myself. Keep the blog open but add a disclaimer. That way, if someone reads something they are offended by they can say, "At least she warned me"! It is the reality of who I am. Some times it is a strength, sometimes a weakness, but I strive for transparency. I hate superficial and hate when I feel like I have to operate at that level to keep the peace. I just want one "safe base" where I can express myself. I figure my kids will find it interesting when they get older. They might get a sense of why we make the decisions we do. They might understand some life change from a different perspective then their own. They might even disagree with my opinions but at least they will know where I stood.

I'm going to keep the blog open, for the time being, because I know how I have been challenged by reading others thoughts and words. Even when I don't agree, it makes me think and that is always a good thing. The reality is that reading anything printed or on the net is an option. I have been interested in something before, checked it out and then determined that I disagreed on every aspect of what someone was saying. It no longer became interesting or challenging so I quit reading it. The blog is simply what is on my mind. I'm not starting a campaign or debate. I realize that sometimes my thoughts are impulsive and not well thought out. My loving husband reads it but doesn't "get" it. I think he chalks it up to silly girl stuff. I think he is right. It is what it is. Right now, it is simply a way for me to be real, be transparent and be bold. That's it.
P.S. Because I am a people pleaser. I have added tags to my posts. For those who would simple like to check in and get the family updates, you can check out "family updates". For my husband who might be the only one interested in my inner thoughts, I have added a "deep thoughts" tag.!

Oh No!

The problem with opening your heart is that your heart is open! We have had a week of extreme highs and lows. The lows I have covered in previous blogs. We lost our dog Harley in the most traumatic of circumstances. The highs....let me count them. Austin has been here for 9 days! It has gone so well. The beauty of having 4 children already is that when you add one more you hardly notice the downside. What's a couple more piles of dirty clothes or glasses of water that were discarded? What we do get is one more personality into the crazy routine of our life! I will admit...but only here...that I'm feeling attached. I know we are in the "honeymoon" phase. He may still be on his best behavior. I'm not a spring chicken. But despite the fact that eventually we will have to discipline and train I think he is worth it. More importantly, I believe God brought him here exactly for that purpose. I'm certain that when I drop him off tomorrow into somebody else's care I'll shed a few tears. I'll keep them to myself. I'll look forward to our next visit and I will trust God in the details. I'll leave my "I want to be the Mom" t-shirt at home! I'm so grateful that this week of high highs and low lows coincided with the celebration of my Savior's death and resurrection. How can I lose perspective during a week like this? God is sovereign over all the details of life. He was then and He continues to be. I trust Him with the events that occur in my home. I trust Him as I return Austin to his home.

I'm not one of "those" people...

Alright, I'm not one of those crazy "my dog is my baby" people. I don't have outfits for the dogs. I don't have little doggy statues around the house..not even a magnet on the fridge. However, I hate the nighttime. I hate closing my eyes and relieving my day on Tuesday. I hate how I had to manage it on my own (in the beginning, anyway) so I feel like I'm the only one who experienced the "entire" event. So since I'm sad anyway, I decided to make a list of the things I'll miss about Harley. I know she is a dog not a human. I have it in perspective but I hate the loss. These are the "Top Ten Things I'll Miss about Life without Harley".
10: Knowing that skinny Sammy was kept warm while their shared a crate each night
9: Having her jump on my lap, uninvited, causing me to spill coffee all over myself
8: Knowing that no matter how many times she saw us, she was always as excited as the first time
7: Hearing her cry when the kids failed to take her outside with them
6: How she hated her ear medicine, baths, and nails clipped but always trusted me to do it
5: How she was never satisfied snuggling unless she was on top of you
4: How Gracie was "her girl"
3: How she would sassy bark at me every time I called her to her crate. "I'll go in b/c I want to but not b/c you told me to!"
2: How she and Bella would play "Call of the wild". Better than any episode of Animal Planet
1: Never looking at Bella the same way again....
0: Sorry but forgot one of the most important things..Harley had an amazing way of laying very still when she was tired and totally relaxed. But as soon as someone she loved would walk into the room, the end of her tail would start wagging. It reminded us of a rattle snake. She loved her people.
I listened to Pastor Joel's sermon on How Hard is Not bad it's just hard. I heard what he said about not racing through a difficult situation but taking the time to learn what God is teaching us. However, I can't wait for the night that I can close my eyes and not be "there" again.

Grief is prove that evolution is bogus

Today I am grieving. We lost a beloved pet. I don't know if it would feel differently if it was less traumatic but it wasn't. It was horrific. It started like any other day. The dogs played. The kids played. At one point one of the kids called me into the room to see the dogs all piled on the rug each chewing a bone. Happy as could be. The next thing I knew, my kids were frantic and two of the dogs were literally at each others throats. I don't know how it started. I don't know if I could have done something differently. All I know is there was nothing I could do to stop it. The kids were crying. Trying to help. I sent them outside. I was helpless. Finally when it was over, one dog was in a daze the other was lying lifeless on the floor. I knew she was still alive. I could feel her heart beat but she was in such shock. I gathered her into my arms and headed to the vet. I would have paid a million dollars just to have my husband here to deal with it but it was me. In the end, the shock was too much and it was more humane to let her go without anymore struggle. The girls and I were at Sam's when we got the final news. Have you ever been somewhere you can't figure a way to get out of and you don't even care if people see you cry? One poor man even asked us if we needed some water. All night the images are playing through my head. My kids screaming, my dogs fighting, carrying her to the car and praying. But even more important was last night as Harley laid curled into a ball snuggling with Jack. I had a moment when I just loved on her because they were so sweet and tired. I always said she was the best dog when she was tired because all the spaz was gone! I know that God knows my heart. I know that He knew what the day had in store for me. I'm pleased that the first thing I wanted to do after transferring my Harley to the vet's hands was read my Bible on my Iphone! I know that God knows our tears. I know that there are people all around me grieving the loss of human loved ones. I know that I have a friend tending to her dying son. I know that this is the week that my Saviour cried in the garden, carried the cross and died for my sins. Isn't the fact that we love so deeply and grieve so profoundly proof that evolution is not possible. How could love, joy, peace and grief be a result of some cosmic pool of nothing. I'm grateful for grieve. It demonstrates that God made us capable of great love. Most of all I'm grateful for a God that doesn't take my grieve lightly and He doesn't leave me alone during it. I'm so very sad.

Why?

The beauty of FaceBook is that you have an opportunity to get connected with people you haven't seen or talked to in years. It has expanded my view of the world. I realize that at times, my "bubble" is very small. Not by choice but circumstance. I'm a stay-at-home mom. My kids go to a small Christian school and my friends from church have become my family. O.K. I guess that is by choice! Today, I received a FB message asking me why we are considering adoption again. I guess it should be a simple answer but it has had me pondering all day. The simple answer is we have a solid marriage, we are unified in our willingness to adopt again and believe that God is calling us to be available for this purpose. The pondering part came from reflecting back on the majority of my life where I did not seek God's purpose. I had some religion. I knew I wasn't Jewish, Muslim or Hindi so I must be a Christian. I was fairly moral so that's a good thing, right? Interestingly enough, I had no peace, no real hope and no confidence in the world around me. O.K. that is the only thing that hasn't changed. I still don't have any confidence in the world around me. What I do have is an intimate relationship with a Creator. He has revealed Himself in so many ways that I can not waver in my confidence in Him.
Maybe it is because I just celebrated a birthday. I'm getting older and more reflective! I'm also celebrating my 10 years of knowing Christ. I can't remember how I made decisions prior to having genuine faith. I also have difficulty explaining how I can now make decisions based solely on my faith. I know that the core of who I am has changed. God has taken me down roads that have been challenging, sorrowful and life changing. Even with loss, I have no regrets. I can see His hand in every detail and I'm certain of the unseen as well. I told a friend recently that so much of my spiritual growth seems like child birth. (I can speak from experience here having delivered a 8 pd 12 oz baby with no drugs!) In the midst of it I cry out for mercy and beg for it to stop. There are moments when I lose perspective and don't even care about the outcome anymore. I just want it over! But God always knows what is on the other side. He can calmly walk along side me during it because He knows where He is taking me. The struggle is so fleeting compared to the end result. I wish I was more theological at times. I wish I could pull from memory, verses that would convince others of God's sovereign will. Unfortunately, I have a memory like a sieve! Then I remember that my words alone will not help another trust in God. I can say this, the only regrets I have in my life our decisions I have made outside of God's will. I can approach the issue of adoption with an open hand. Willing and waiting for His call. I'm confident that I will hear His voice. That is the biggest miracle of all in my life. Not a happy marriage, not the miracle of childbirth, not the blessings of adoption...but that I know my Savior's voice.
P.S. As I write this, I have 5 little monkeys sleeping in their beds!

On The Receiving End

My mood is strange. I'm either totally disconnected or experiencing the peace that surpasses all understanding! We had a monumental afternoon. We have been aware of a boy that may be in need of a home. We have prayed about the situation but it seemed to fall apart in January. I shed a few tears and then the God that I attempt to serve calmed me in a way that I have never experienced before. I love being in a boat without a paddle. Just floating with the current and knowing that there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't believe how gracious our God is. At this moment, in this situation, He has revealed to me that I have grown to trust Him. Maybe, this is not such a big deal for you, but I know myself and I know that although I have faith in Him and I desire for Him to be Lord of my life, I still struggle with trust. How is that possible? How can you have saving faith but still doubt? My problem is that I recognize that God is sovereign. He is Creator, Father and Master. He placed the stars in the skies and He knows the number of hairs on my head. I know all this and yet I catch my self wondering how He can be concerned with me. I question not "if" He is capable but "why" He would bother orchestrating the details of my life. However, I have come to discover that how I "feel" is irrelevant. He is the I Am and He has enabled me to trust Him beyond what I thought I was capable.
Our meeting with Austin's guardian went so well. They arrived about 12:30 and didn't leave until almost 9:00! Prior to them coming, I was focused on praying the Lord's Prayer. I love the simplicity. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. That has become my heart's desire. His will in this situation. I'm so calm I had to evaluate myself to see if I was even emotionally connected! We went into this meeting just being ourselves. Again, no need to sell ourselves when you recognize that God is the only one who can determine the outcome! It was such an enjoyable afternoon. I was grateful to realize that Kitty is easy to be around. I could easily see maintaining a relationship for the benefit of Austin. She told us that she recognizes that she needs to move forward with pursuing adoption. Her health is fragile and she recognizes that she can not provide stability for him. She stated that from the moment she heard about us she knew it would be the right situation for him however she struggles with the reality of letting him go. We were really open and honest with each other. The mother in me aches for anyone having to make a decision like that. I also had an opportunity to share with her about our faith. I told her we were willing and able and trusting that God would orchestrate the details. It was surreal. Prior to them arriving, I wondered if the subject of adoption would even come up. Then all of the sudden, we were discussing details and plans. She was talking as if she has already decided it is just a matter of timing and transition. I have no way to describe the day other then to say, I totally felt God's hand on my heart and mind. He opened doors. He helped us see each other in a real way and empathize with each other. I recognize that matters of the heart are precarious and she can change her mind at any time, but as of now we are moving forward. I'm so grateful for the prayers and the calm that God has given us. Please pray for Kitty as she attempts to move forward and let go. We are planning that Austin will come spend next weekend with us. It will be the first night they have spent apart in a year and a half. We don't really know what to expect. I'm concerned because our parenting styles are very different. I'm praying that we will continue to communicate clearly and always put Austin's needs above our own. Right now, we feel like soldiers just waiting for our marching orders and trying not to get attached to our own plans. Thy will be done.

I Married One of the Good Guys!

I remember when I first met my husband. I was relieved to find out that he was employed! Then I found out he was a lawyer. Of course, I had heard all the lawyer jokes and because I considered him extremely good looking, I figured he was a smarmy ambulance chaser! Boy was I relieved when he told me he was an assistant State Attorney. I perked up. He was one of the good guys. One of the knights in shining armor defending the victims from wrong doing. I could get my brain around that kind of work. When we were dating, I remember asking him how attorneys can defend people that they think are guilty of committing crimes. He explained to me that everyone is entitled to representation. That representation does not involve judgment. That is the judge and jury's job. He also reminded me of the terrible injustice that can occur when someone is not represented. Basically, an attorney's job is not to "get someone off" of a crime that they committed but to make sure they have been fairly and equally represented. After years of prosecuting, we made the decision that John should become self employed. Because his years of experience were in prosecuting criminal charges, it made sense that he would use those skills and become a self employed defense attorney.
Years later we both became Christians. I have had people ask me how a Christian could defend the guilty. I explain it to them the way John explained it to me. I also tell them that it would be very difficult for a lawyer to switch his specialty. Just like we would not expect a neurosurgeon to become a pediatrician. This seems to satisfy them but I sometimes wonder if they judge him based on his profession. I don't because I know his heart. I have always believed that he carries a heavy burden. He is daily confronted with the lost, desperate, and nonrepentent and in most situations he is not able to share his faith.
Today he came home with a story that confirmed what I already knew. John cares about people. He is the attorney for our local drug court. This is a system that attempts to avoid
just locking up offenders but provides them with the support to change their lives. It is a strict program and criteria must be met to participate. Today they celebrated "graduation". John told me that there was a women who almost gave up. She had to choose between an abusive boyfriend and drugs or the program. Sadly, she was drawn to the boyfriend and drugs. He had an opportunity to talk to her prior to her making her decision. She specifically said during her graduation speech that that conversation was a turning point for her. John had laid it out for her. He used logic and respect to communicate to her that she had a choice to make. He couldn't make it for her but he cared enough to take the time to speak to her like she was a human with potential and not a "user". His eyes misted up as he retold me the story. He cares. He is one of the good guys no matter what "side" he is on. It was a reminder to me that I am glad that God uses us were we are. I Peter 4:10 says "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. " I pray that God will continue to use John in his workplace. I also pray that he will have the opportunity and freedom to share his faith. If just a few moments of our time, can change a person's perspective on their life, can you imagine what the Gospel can do! I can.

Boy Trauma

As I was washing dishes today, I was reliving our evening yesterday. We celebrated the beautiful weather with a good old fashioned cook-out. We had yummy burgers on the grill. The weather was so great, I delayed the start of dinner prep (my first mistake). The weather was so great, I agreed to make chocolate milkshakes with the dinner (my second mistake). The weather was so great I lost track of time and my kids were much delayed in getting to bed! All that being said to explain what happened next.
My boys share a room. They both wanted to listen to music but of course, not the same station. I gave them a choice of either agreeing on one station/cd or wearing headsets. I'm quite wise and I considered my job done! About 20 minutes later I hear sniffling coming from the room. When I inquire to the cause, the sniffling becomes bawling! After much detailed detective work, I discover that Caleb is crying because he had decided not to wear headphones but to turn his music off. When Jack saw the unused headset, he decided to use them. He put them on and quickly fell asleep. Caleb than laid there pondering how much he really wanted to use the headset but had not realized it until Jack had them! That pondering led to sniffles, which then lead to sobbing!
So anyway, this morning I was thinking about how I might have contributed to Caleb's easily riled state. Late dinner, chocolate too close to bed time and late lights out. This is not a good combination for my normally very easy going son. All the sudden it dawned on me how blessed he truly is. My little guy's biggest trauma currently is that his brother decided to use his unwanted head phones! I'm so grateful to God that He saw fit to "return" this little boy to a state of childhood. I know that there was a life before moving here- I have the bins of papers to prove it! But it seems so distant to me now. My prayer is that God will use Caleb in a mighty way to demonstrate the sovereignty of God. I also pray prayers of gratitude that despite his past, Caleb has such a loving, generous, and fun outlook on life. I know that we are far from perfection in our home. So many times, I focus on how we might be failing as Godly parents. But the incident last night, was just a reminder of how far God has brought us all. What a blessing to be used as a tool to change the life of another. Isn't it amazing how God uses the same circumstance to have us give and receive? Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. you will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart" I have always considered this my "salvation" verse. It is the verse that God used to do surgery on my heart. It is the verse, that He used to show me to trust Him and to instruct me on what I needed to do to find Him. When I first read it, I was certain that He put it in the Bible just for me! Now, I share it with my son.

Doors Ajar

I must be delirious. We have had children (two out of the four) wake us up for the last three nights due to illness. Delirium is the only reason that I can think that I would start a blog! I have no free time, my house needs some attention and did I mention two out of our four are sick! I guess I just like to write out my thoughts and this is as good as any other way to do it. Today, I'm claiming Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. You see tomorrow was supposed to be an important day. I can't go into much detail but there is a woman who is a legal guardian for a 7 year old boy. She is trying to figure out what would be best for him. There is a Christian women who has been counseling and asking her to consider adoption for him. It has been a long road with some starts and stops but they were all planning on making the two hour trip to visit us in our home. With one kid sick, I thought we could swing it but with two down and two likely to follow in their footsteps, it no longer seems wise. When I was praying and pondering this last night, actually at 4 in the morning, I have discovered that my faith is to a point that I don't seem to waver in the knowledge of God's sovereignty. I totally recognize it and rely on it. However, I did decide that I am good with God's open doors and His shut doors (sometimes after much crying and mental tantrumming!), but His doors that are slightly ajar really test me. Today, I feel like a car with an old engine. Ready to move forward, willing to move forward but I'm still waiting at the start line for the flag. Yesterday, I spent the day snuggling with Grace and reading the ENTIRE blog written by Angie Smith. She is the wife of singer Todd Smith from Selah. The hardship they have endured this year as well as the links to other blogs really puts your life in perspective. I get that nothing major has changed here. It hopefully is just delayed. But I'm a little sad...therefore I'm grateful that I serve a God that sees every aspect of every part of my life. I'm gratefully that He saw fit to reveal Himself to me and John. I'm gratefully for my church that continually helps me to strive towards knowing Him more. All that said, I'm still a little sad so Proverbs 3:5-6 is my mantra today!